


This Is the Moment

by Spazzo47



Category: The Newsroom (US TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-08
Updated: 2019-12-16
Packaged: 2020-01-06 14:07:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 33,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18389951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spazzo47/pseuds/Spazzo47
Summary: A sequel to The Cheaters, but if you know the Genoa story you really don't need to read that one (though you should, it was pretty good).This story starts the night they retracted Genoa and each chapter will alternate between Will and Mac's streams of consciousness between then and the proposal.





	1. Retraction

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to wait on posting this until I was done writing all of it because I hate having a half finished work up and no plan for when it will be finished. HOwever, I decided that finished or not, I was posting something this weekend. I have 3.5 updates worth finished, so Sunday and Wednesdays I will put something up for as long as I can.

**Will**

“For everyone at  _News Night_ , I’m Will McAvoy.  Goodnight.” 

Will saw the light on camera 3 turn off.  Herb said, “Clear,” softer than usual.  After that, Will’s connection to control went dead.  He didn’t hear Mac’s voice saying “good show.”  She always says that, even after the disaster that was the first 2.0 broadcast.  But not tonight, tonight he knew that she felt like he did, like someone had sucker punched him.   

Will thought about the look on her face when she said told him.  They have to retract Genoa, all of it.  It gutted her to form those words.  He’d only seen her look like that two other times.  He could barely put together the woman who told him… what she did all those year ago… with the Mac he knows now.  Her time away, their time together.  He knows they’re the same person, but they really aren’t.  The other time he saw that look... he didn’t want to think about the other time, the joke.  But even the day he showed her the ring he bought, it paled in comparison to this.   

For the first time tonight he realized that he didn’t talk to Mac after she announced they had to retract Genoa.  She told him... or them.  He didn’t remember if there were other people in his office when she said it.  She looked directly at him, tears streaming down her face.  He couldn’t look away if he wanted to.  Someone else must have been there because they knew somehow.  Charlie came into his office at some point and Mac briefed them on Jerry Dantana.  Her eyes never left him during that conversation either.  Was she looking for something from him?  Did he give it?  Hell if he knew.  He was barely able to breathe, let alone get through the broadcast.  Her face, that devastation, he couldn’t get it out of his mind.  If he would have heard her voice, he wouldn’t have been able to get through the broadcast.  Of course she knew that, that had to be why she didn’t say anything to him tonight.   

He sat back in his chair and looked at the lighting rigs above him, waiting for her to walk into the studio to check on him.  No one would understand this the way she does.  When she comes in to see why he’s still there... no, she knows why he’s still there.  When she comes in, she’s going to give him permission to feel… whatever the fuck he feels.  And then she’s going to tell him what they’re going to do on the administrative end of things.  She and Charlie will have already talked to Rebecca who will want to see them tomorrow, maybe tonight.  When she gives him the details of their next meeting with Rebecca, he’ll tell her what to expect.  He’ll make it easy for her.  He’ll do most of the talking.  Not because she can’t, but because… because he wants to make this easy for her.  Or at least as easy as he can make it.  The lawyers who cleared the story will be there.  He should tell her to go home, she won’t add anything.  He knows what happened with Jerry so he can tell that part of the story.  He’s got the Red Team presentation, as does the legal team.  She should go home and sleep.   

Or at least she should try.  He knows her well enough to know that she won’t sleep.  She’ll spend the night going over everything again, looking for something she missed.  She’s going to take this worse than anyone.  He doesn’t know how she’s going to pin all this on herself, but she will.   

Will looked at the door to the stage.  He has the whole staff trained to go through one door.  It’s the only way she would walk in, but she hasn’t.  He remembered.  Charlie left the office after Mac told the men about Dantana.  She looked at him, resolved to keep her head up and her eyes locked with him.  His brave Mackenzie stood there giving him permission to say anything.  When he didn’t say whatever she expected, she finally looked down and then back up.  When she said, “I’m sorry,” it came as a whisper and she walked out.  At the time he didn’t think about it.  She had a show to prep.  She had to decide to cut a story, she had to decide about Benghazi, she had to wait for an apology script that she could approve.  She didn’t have time to wait for Will to figure out what asshole thing to say.  She still expects that from him.  He doesn’t blame her, he expects it from himself, he was just in too much shock to say anything at all.  He hopes if he would have said something, it wouldn't have made him look like a dick, but he'll never know.  

He could tell her not to talk to the lawyers if they come tonight.  They’ll come tonight.  If ACN was his client, he’d come tonight.  He'd be here already.  He  _should_ tell her to go home and try to relax.  He  _should_ make that gesture, but he can’t take the chance that she’d take him up on the offer.  He needs to see her, to talk to her, to hear her give those annoyingly obtuse reasons she’ll make up that don’t make any sense for why this will turn out okay.  Then she’ll realize that she doesn’t make any sense, but she’ll fight even harder because she always has to find some hope in every situation.  Seeing her and hearing her gibberish, he needs it.  There’s a comfort in going through this with her.  Having that… camaraderie, the presence of the person who knows him best and the person who will sit in the trenches with him.  It’s the only way he can get through this.   

He looks at the cameras.  She gave him this.  She gave him this dream of doing the news the way they do it.  She made him who he is, and if this is the end of that -- and of course this is the end that -- no one else will understand.  He can’t imagine going through this with someone else.  Or with no one.   

Will looked back at the door.  Still closed.  He finally clinched his eyes closed and gritted his teeth, willing the door to open.  While holding this pose, he felt a wave of relief when he heard it open.  He opened his eyes, almost smiling.   

 “Will?  Are you—” 

“I’m fine Jenna, what’s up?” 

“Mac wanted me to tell you that Rebecca will be here in 45 minutes.” 

She didn’t come.  She didn’t come herself to give the message.  She’s started figuring out the next steps, but she didn’t tell him herself.  For the first time since the Deep Water Horizon, Will felt completely alone.  She didn’t come.  Why the fuck – 

“Will?  Are you okay?” 

Hearing Jenna’s voice startled the anchor.  “What?  Yeah, yeah.  I’m fine Jenna.  Can you tell Mac that I’ll be there?” 

“Sure.” 

Will heard the door close.  He was alone again.  All alone.  Why the fuck hadn’t Mac come to tell him herself?  Will remembered the look on her face when she told him they had to retract.  The devastated look on her face.  He’d only seen her look like that when she saw their relationship end and when he held out evidence he had falsified of his intention to commit to her all those years ago.  When she told him they needed to talk, knowing it would hurt him.  When he showed her the future he wanted with her, laid it out intending to hurt her.  He remembered her face in each of those moments and realized that she felt like he did.  She probably sat in her office, staring blankly at things in the room, things that should make sense, but didn’t.  She felt completely alone.  Except she didn’t expect him to walk in, she only hoped he would because he was the only person that would understand how she felt.  And he was the only one that could convince her that they could get through this.  She needed him, maybe even more than he wanted her because only he could absolve her of what she undoubtedly thinks is her fault.   

Finally, he stood up and decided he had to act.  They had become friends again.  She made it so.  She forgave him for his time with Nina.  She let them move on from his momentary questioning of his feelings for her.  She didn’t make him say that he platonically loved her, a gift because he didn’t know if he could have pulled off the platonic part of the declaration.  Since the day his father died, he became aware of how much strength he gets from her.  Tonight, he had to return the favor.  He has to show her that he will stand by her.  For the first time ever, she didn’t have the strength to carry him.  He’d have to carry his own weight in this relationship.  And damn it, he was determined to.   

He charged towards the door with the lyrics to “This Is the Moment” from  _Jekyll and Hyde_  playing in his head.  He couldn’t help laughing at himself.  She asked him once if he had any personal philosophy that didn’t come from a Broadway musical.  May he didn’t.  Maybe that’s not a bad thing.  Musicals have never led him wrong.  September 11ths have.  Sports.  If he didn’t have that conversation with her about football.  Maybe he should stick to baseball.  There’re no timers in baseball.  Baseball never let him down.  Musicals haven’t either.  Baseball and musicals.  He’ll keep his non-news viewing to baseball and musicals and everything in his life will work out.  The Yankees will win another pennant.  The hero will always have a happy ending.  He will always hear the crowd applaud truly great performances.  Things are simpler when everything is scripted and everyone plays by the rules.   

Everyone apparently decided to leave the bullpen the instant the show ended.  He assumed they all were tying one on at Hang Chews.  He didn’t even see Jenna who couldn’t have gone far.  Across the bullpen stood Mac’s closed door.  He saw her form through the windowed wall of her office.  She sat at her computer with her head in one hand.  Her shoulders sunk as low as possible.  Even from this distance he thought he saw a shake in them.  He quickened his pace, unable to think of anything besides his Mackenzie sitting at a computer feeling what he just felt.  He couldn’t let that happen.  He had to let her know somehow.  He would do for her, what she usually did for him.   

He stood in front of her door, somehow knowing that whatever happened in this moment would be the turning point in his life.  He somehow knew that he didn’t want to live with a consequence of fucking this up.  He steeled himself and opened her door.   

He walked in and she didn’t even look up.  “We’ve got to meet the lawyers –” 

“I know.  Jenna told me.”  Mac nodded her head silently.  “You know, you don’t have to be there.  It’s a client…” 

She looked up at him and he could see the look on her face.  She was going and nothing would stop her.   

“I have to go there and resign.” 

“I won’t accept it.  We retracted.  First Amendment allows us --” 

Mac moved her head and huffed.  “Allows us to do what?  Be wrong?  Go on the air and say whatever fucking lies we want to?  Spin the truth so that it’s so one sided that no one can tell what’s true and what’s not?  That’s a dangerous road you want us on.” 

Will fought to keep his voice even.  “No one wants to go down that road.  We’re going to keep following the path we always have, with you directing us.  We’re going to show a united front and I will stand by you through this whole thing.  And we’ll come out with our integrity intact.”  

Mac barely looked at him.  “You don’t believe that.” 

He looked at her.  He would believe it if it meant that he could make her stop hurting.  He would force himself to believe it, if it meant that she never looked at him with that dead look in her eyes again.  Something inside her, it extinguished her hope.  He didn’t want to know a version of Mackenzie that didn’t have that eternal hope at her core.  He wanted to find a way to get it back.  Anything.   

“Come here.” Will heard himself say the words.  He didn’t plan them, they just came out.   

She looked up at him with a “you dumbass” look on her face.  Will didn’t know what else to do, so he opened his arms to her.  She looked at him with an even more confused stare, but didn’t move.  He put his arms down and walked around her desk, turned her chair to face him, crouched down and put his arms around her.  He held her as close to himself as he could.  He put her head on his shoulder and caressed the top of her head with his cheek and just held her.  When he felt her body shake and heard her sniffle, he squeezed his tear covered eyes shut and tried to rock her.   

“We’re going to get through, Mackenzie.  I don’t know how, but we are.  I promise we are.” 

As she cried in his arms, he felt his strength restore.  He didn’t know if she believed him, but the more he repeated it, the more he did.  The more he heard his own words, the more determined he was to make sure they came true.  This would be okay.  He would make sure that it ended well.  That they wouldn’t lose the show or each other.  They won’t break up the family.  They will fight.  They will show a united front and they will make it through this.  They will find a way.  He will make sure of that.   

Mac pulled away from him and he reluctantly let go.  She wiped her face with her hands before he had a chance to wipe her tears away.  “No one will ever believe us again, Will.  That’s what I told him.  No one will ever believe us again.” 

Will looked her in the eye.  It felt not so long ago that he thought the same about her.  That he would never believe her again.  But he did.  How could he not trust her?  He didn’t know how it happened or when.  And it didn’t matter.  He trusted her.  And he needed her to know that.  And if he could trust her, then something as fickle as an audience would come back.   

“Do you remember when you came in here two and a half years ago and I told you that we would lose our audience if we tried to do your utopian version of the news?  They came Mac.  They saw our integrity and our message about what we could be.” 

“Our integrity.  We don’t have that anymore, Will.  We lost that the day you put your trust in me.  For a second time.” 

Her head went back down and her body curled in the same direction.  Will’s response was immediate.  He turned her chair back towards himself and held her as tight as he could.  He didn’t know what to say.  He hoped she could feel that he didn’t blame her.  It wasn’t her fault.  He trusted her long before he said it publicly.  And this doesn’t change that.  She was the best in the business when she came back into his life.  She still is.  This was one mistake.  And it wasn’t even that, she did everything possible to get the story right.   

She started to loosen her hold on him and he took a breath to say something, when there was a knock at the door.  The two broke apart and looked at Jenna.   

“Uh, Charlie just called, he wants to talk to both of you in the conference room before the lawyer arrive.” 

Will watched Mac nod her head and they both watched the door until it clicked closed.  Mac stood up and Will immediately put his arm around her.  Before they got to her door, Will stopped her, moving so he faced her with his hands on her shoulders.  “I trusted your instincts from the beginning because you’re the best in the business. One mistake doesn’t change that.  I still believe in you, Mackenzie and I believe in what we’ve done here.” 

Mac gave a slight nod of her head before Will opened the door and let her through first.  He made sure to keep a physical connection with her as they traveled to meet Charlie and through the meeting.  Once Rebecca’s team arrived, Mac moved away from him and put on her game face.   

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure what's going on (though I'm guessing this copying from Word Online instead of Word may have made a difference), but there's some weird spaces in this chapter. I tried to catch them all and fix them, but I may have missed a few.


	2. Retraction, Part 2

She didn’t hear him.  Not the words that he said.  When she cornered him in the elevator, she didn’t give a fuck about a single word that came out of his mouth.  She saw the tape, that’s all she needed to put the pieces together.  And she was livid over the mockery he made of the thing she holds most dear.  How could a _journalist_ edit raw footage and pass it off during meeting after meeting?  Then he edited it.  And then showed it on air to the country.  How could anyone, but especially a journalist, choose to misinform the public like that?  How could anyone lie with so many eyes around him?  God damn it, she trusted him.  She didn’t like Jerry Dantana, but she trusted his journalistic ethics.  She trusted that no one would intentionally cook a story. 

She put her name on that piece.  She signed off on it.  She wrestled with whether or not to put it on because of the danger it put the country in, the people who would be convicted of a war crime for following orders.  They had a responsibility to everyone to get it right.  Charlie stalled the story as long as he could because he understood their responsibility.  Jim had a knot in his stomach as he questioned the accusation they prepared to make against a bunch of guys who were heroes in every sense of the word. 

And Will.  His career.  Hell, her career.  And Jim’s, and Kendra’s, and Maggie, and Neal, and… Everyone who has their name anywhere on that story.  But Will most of all.  When the news covers this, it will be his face that’s splashed on every network and newspaper.  Will, and only Will, has to look into a camera and tell the country that the sensational story they told… what did he call it, a made for Hollywood adventure?… all of it was untrue.  His career is over.  People will forget that Jim, Kendra, Maggie and the rest did anything with this story.  But people will see Will’s face and only think of one thing. 

And she did it.  Again.  She did it to him again.  She thought she was being careful.  Keeping it from him until she had to tell him.  She rehearsed.  She considered everything that she thought he might say or ask.  She sat him down and she told him.  The stakes were different, but no less intense.  Years ago she did the same thing and it changed the direction of their personal lives.  This time she gave him a story that would take away his professional life.  If six years ago she was his lifeline, the news and his popularity replaced her in his life and now she’s taken that too.  And once again, she’s at the place where she has to tell him.  She has to be the one that will take this away from him.  She has to take the brunt of the fallout from him. 

The elevator dinged and she walked off it.  Staff members ran up to her with questions and new information about Benghazi, and she walked past them, she had to get to Will’s office as soon as possible.  She registered that senior staff made their way there, their new favorite hangout since he dumped Nina.  He looked relaxed and at peace.  It was a good look on him.  He finally found his groove, he was finally comfortable with himself.  She’d only seen that in their previous relationship, when they’d get home and allow themselves to turn off the news and be who they were.  This man who made it through her return, his father’s death, Nina.  This is who Will was and she had to take that from him – again. 

She locked eyes with him.  He said something, but his words didn’t make any sense.  She’s sure that everyone else in the room understood what he said.  But she didn’t have that luxury.  Whatever he said could wait.  This couldn’t.  She had to face this head on.  They had to open the show with this.  She looked at him.  He was singing the ratings earlier.  He literally walked around the office singing that damned number.  He was actually happy, and she had to take it from him with this dose of reality.  “We have to retract Genoa.” She couldn’t read his look.  She imagined he looked like someone had kicked his… prized pig.  He didn’t say anything.  No one did.  She knew there were people in his office, she saw them from the hall.  It was silent and she couldn’t live with that silence.  “All of it.” 

He sat on the desk he just moved around to say whatever he said when she came in.  He hunched over.  Usually she can read his mind.  They’ve joked about it.  They had started laughing together again.  She’d say, “I know what you’re thinking.” He used to say he didn’t think so and then she’d tell him and he’d wait a beat before telling her he was thinking about something insignificant like blueberry muffins.  She’d just wait and then he’d say, “Okay, yeah, but I think…”  Eventually, he just said, “If you do, then you know I’m right about…”  Deep down, she knew he appreciated having someone know him well enough that she could read his mind.  But right now, she couldn’t. 

He grappled to keep his composure before yelling out, “FUCK!” 

Mac tried to pull herself together and said, “Everybody, I need to talk to Will.”  Part of this was a HR matter, there would be lawyers around.  She didn’t know for sure what she could say in front of everyone.  “Kendra, start rearranging the show for a 3-minute retraction at the top.  Don, Jim you should probably stay around for this.”  Everyone but Don and Jim filed out.  Kendra started telling people what to do. 

Once she heard the door close, Mac started, “Joey brought me a clock that would count you down at the end of stories.  I remembered the conversation about the game, and I just had a feeling.  So I checked the Stomtonovich interview.  The raw footage was edited.  Jerry was in an elevator on my way back here, he didn’t deny it.  I fired him.”

“I hope that means you actually set him on fire.”

“Don.”

Mac was surprised.  Except for the one-word outburst, Will held himself together better than expected. 

“Do we have anything else?  I mean, it wasn’t just him.”

“Jim, we have to retract the story.”  Even as she talked to Jim, Mac didn’t look away from Will.  “Even if there is some truth in it, we don’t know what it is anymore.”

“Come on Jim, we need to tell the crews what’s happening and Will and Mac need to call Charlie.”

Mac heard the door close behind the producers while Will circled back around his desk and sat in his chair. 

“I’m so sorry, Will.”

Will looked at her, he looked numb.  “Let’s call Charlie, get him down here.  And we’ll go from there.”

Mac watched Will make the call.  They sat in silence until Charlie arrived.  Charlie told them about his source duping him and they told him about Jerry.  The three sat in silence for what felt like hours, before Charlie said, “You did the right thing Mac.  Retract it tonight, I’ll contact legal.”

Charlie left and Mac looked at Will who couldn’t look at her.  She walked out and asked Jim and Kendra where they were. 

The final rundown meeting was short and to the point.  They would start with the retraction, followed by Benghazi and then the rest of the news of the day.  Everyone understood that they would have to just make it through this episode and then deal with the fallout later.  During the show, Mac didn’t have much to say, Herb took over most of the counting down.  Will knew what to ask guests.  It was as close to a by the numbers show as they’ve ever been.  At the end, Herb said, “Clear,” and everyone slunk out of the control room as soon as their equipment was turned off. 

Mac went back to her office to look through her notes, trying to figure out how this could have happened.  What could she have done different?  What did she miss?  Why the fuck didn’t she tell the general that an AP would go with Jerry?  Does she miss that all the time?  How could she have been so fucking careless?  As she looked for answers, she noticed how quiet the newsroom had been.  Everyone left as soon as they could.  Jumping off a sinking ship.  She couldn’t blame them.  She was the captain of the ship, she couldn’t leave it.  Will was the headliner, or the celebrity… metaphors break down.  Who gives a damn?  He will always be associated with this, like Dan Rather and the Burkett interview.  “Disgraced Anchor” will be a title Will shares with Dan Rather for the rest of his life. 

Jenna poked her head in Mac’s office. “Mac, Charlie called and said he has lawyers coming in 45 minutes.”

Mac nodded her head, “Thanks.  Can you make sure that Will knows?  He’ll want to be there.”

“Sure.”

Mac wondered if there was ever a time that she didn’t ruin Will’s life.  He wanted a life with her, she did too, but what would she have done if given that chance?  She sent him back to bachelordom hell.  Her ideology cost him an interview with Jan Brewer when she first came back.  She allowed the American Taliban fiasco that cost him last year’s September 11th coverage.  And now this.  She’d come so close to earning his forgiveness.  And now it’s gone.  She can’t do anything get it back.  This is it, it’s over.  Mary Mapes had to resign after the Burkett interview, that’s the least she can do.  Will can put the blame on her, publicly say that he had two producers that did most of the investigation and showed him the fabricated evidence.  He believed in their process and their work.  It didn’t save Rather, but… maybe, somehow…

Being off the air will kill Will.  That’s why the non-compete was such a big sacrifice.  It’s still in his contract.  She hadn’t thought about his contract in, she didn’t know how long.  There came a point in time that they just understood he wouldn’t ever use the clause.  If he fired her, there would be a reason.  This is it.  They can make it effective on Friday if they have to, but, no one would question the legality of him firing her on the spot. 

But she wants to resign.  Leave with some dignity.  Send the message, even if it won’t be heard, that as journalists they are better than this.  The world deserves better than what they did a few nights ago. 

She heard the door open.  He walked in and she didn’t even look up.  “We’ve got to meet the lawyers –”

“I know.  Jenna told me.”  Mac nodded her head silently.  “You know, you don’t have to be there.  It’s a client…”

Mac cut him off with a look.  There was no way in hell she could miss this.  This is her ship and she has to face the consequences.  That’s her duty as an executive producer.  She looked up at him, “I have to go there and resign.”

“I won’t accept it.  We retracted.  First Amendment allows us --”  Will’s response surprised her, both because of his determination despite what happened and the speed that it came.  She didn’t have time to wonder why he wouldn’t accept her resignation, she had to convince him otherwise. 

 “Allows us to do what?  Be wrong?  Go on the air and say whatever fucking lies we want to?  Spin the truth so that it’s so one sided that no one can tell what’s true and what’s not?  That’s a dangerous road you want us on.”

She heard Will fight to keep his voice even.  “No one wants to go down that road.  We’re going to keep following the path we always have, with you directing us.  We’re going to show a united front and I will stand by you through this whole thing.  And we’ll come out with our integrity intact.”

Mac barely looked at him.  “You don’t believe that.”

Mac waited for his retort, an argument that he thought was so fool proof that she could catch him off guard with a good parry.  She waited as he apparently considered his next move.  Finally he said, “Come here.”

She didn’t know what was happening.  The statement seemed to take him by surprise.  When she shot him a questioning look, he didn’t relent, instead he held his arms open to her, sending an invitation of comfort that she didn’t deserve.  Somehow, the most intelligent man she’s ever known didn’t understand that she just destroyed his life.  Again.  She turned in her chair away from him, too ashamed to look at him. 

She didn’t hear him walk across the floor, but she felt him turn her towards himself and embrace her.  He crushed her to him and for a minute, just a moment in time, it felt familiar and right and like everything she’d dreamed of since the day she lost it all.  God, why did she have to be so stupid?  She gave this up once, and now.  She couldn’t help crying into his shoulder.  He smelled like her favorite aftershave.  She’s sure she noticed that before, but it’s been so long since it’s been this close.  She wanted too much to believe this was real.  That tomorrow, he’d still be willing to be this forgiving.  But she knew better.  She knew him too well.  She didn’t deserve this, not even this small reprieve. 

He whispered to her, “We’re going to get through, Mackenzie.  I don’t know how, but we are.  I promise we are.”  Over and over he said it and she wanted so much to believe it.  She wanted so much to believe that he could live up to this promise, but she knew better.  She knew how hard he could fight to hold a grudge.  She knew how much he cared about his career.  She knew what she cost him.  But God, did this feel good.  She allowed herself to relax just a little. 

Finally, Mac pulled away from him and he reluctantly let go.  She wiped her face with her hands before he had a chance to wipe her tears away.  “No one will ever believe us again, Will.  That’s what I told him.  No one will ever believe us again.”

Mac couldn’t read his face.  He didn’t act like she expected, but as he spoke, there was a surety in his voice that almost convinced her that he could do what he promised.  “Do you remember when you came in here two and a half years ago and I told you that we would lose our audience if we tried to do your utopian version of the news?  They came Mac.  They saw our integrity and our message about what we could be.”

“Our integrity.  We don’t have that anymore, Will.  We lost that the day you put your trust in me.  For a second time.”

Her head went back down and her body curled with it.  Will’s response was immediate.  He turned her chair back towards himself and held her as tight as he could.  She didn’t know what to say.  She didn’t have the strength to fight him.  Maybe tonight she won’t successfully resign.  He won’t accept her resignation, Charlie won’t either.  She knows that.  If Will would accept it, Charlie would fight him.  She doesn’t have the ability right now to fight them both. 

She started to loosen her hold on him and he took a breath to say something, when there was a knock at the door.  The two broke apart and looked at Jenna. 

“Uh, Charlie just called, he wants to talk to both of you in the conference room before the lawyer arrives.”

Mac nodded her head and they both watched the door until it clicked closed.  Mac stood up and Will immediately put his arm around her.  Before they got to her door, Will stopped her and turned her so he faced her with his hands on her shoulders.  “I trusted your instincts from the beginning because you’re the best in the business. One mistake doesn’t change that.  I still believe in you, Mackenzie and I believe in what we’ve done here.”

Mac couldn’t look him in the eye.  She just nodded her head once.  She felt his hand at the small of her back.  And part of her enjoyed the feeling of him protecting her, while the other part gave a warning that she can’t get used to it.  The elevator ride was silent and when they arrived in the conference room, Will took the chair next to her and slung his arm around her.  Charlie seemed to notice, but only remarked with a cocked eyebrow.  Will saw the gesture like she did and held a little tighter. 

“I’m sure this won’t be the only time I ask this, but I want to make sure that we’re a united front.  The three of us together.  No one’s going AWOL, right?”

“Charlie, I have to resign.  You and Will can –”

“Mac, we’ve talked about this.  Yes Charlie, we are united.  None of us are leaving.  We did nothing wrong and no jury is going to find any of us culpable.”

“Are you hearing the words that you’re saying?”

Mac’s whole focus was on Will, who turned his head towards Charlie who answered.  “What he’s saying is that all three of us made the decision to run the story.  All three of us trusted our process.  And all three of us made the best decision we could with the information we had.”

“I could have pulled the story.”

Will answered, “I could have too.”

Will and Mac locked eyes again, Mac obviously having no energy to fight.  Charlie interrupted the pause by saying, “Since that decision’s made, let’s talk about Rebecca.”

After the meetings, Will walked Mac back to their offices to get their things before going home.  He collected his briefcase and leaned against her doorframe.  “Are you going to be okay, Mac?”

Mac took a calming breath.  She didn’t know how to answer the question and she felt like it was the only question anyone asked her.  Did she look like she was about to fall apart?  Maybe she was.  “I don’t know.  Are you?”

“What does that mean?”

“Your professional life just imploded around you and you have no reaction.  None!”

Mac saw a flash on his face, like he just put something together.  She didn’t know what it was, nothing about him made sense to her, but nothing made a hell of a lot of sense to her.  “For two and a half years, you’ve had to take care of me when I couldn’t keep my emotions in check.  Now it’s my turn to take care of you.”  He turned around and started towards the elevator, then stopped.  “I’m taking you home.  I’m going to make sure you take a mild sleep aid because you need some sleep.  And then I’m going home and doing the same.”

Mac stood in her office confused.  Will cocked his head to get her to join him.  She shrugged her shoulders and caught up to him.  When she did, he put his arm around her. 

“You know you’re still in your suit from the show.”

“I know.  I’ll bring it in tomorrow.  And if they don’t like it, they can dock it from my severance package.”  He gave her a deliberate smile so she knew he was joking.  When she relaxed a little and smiled back, he said, “Or maybe yours.  I’ll tell them you made me leave before I could change.”

“You know it’s too soon for jokes.”

“Yeah, but it’s also 3 fucking AM.  I don’t have any safe ones right now.”

The elevator doors opened and Will followed Mac in. 


	3. Lawsuits

Things weren’t going well.  Everyday he came in and every day there was another suit.  When Jerry Dantana’s lawyers started suing, Will started laughing.  He went to Mac’s office to tell her about the hilarity of Dantana’s suit, and he saw something that scared him, an angry Mac.  Not the Mac who threatens to kill him every other week, but a Mac who felt completely betrayed.  Will told her Jerry wanted a big check and Mac went off, using combinations of words that not only had he never heard, but he didn’t know she knew the meaning of.  He wanted to laugh, to cut some of the tension, but as she got angrier and angrier, he watched her take more and more responsibility and he became more concerned about her. 

That day, Rebecca called he, Mac and Charlie into a meeting and explained Jerry’s suit.  Jerry's lawyers claimed that ACN couldn’t hold Jerry liable for lost revenue without holding Maggie responsible for her editing error of the Trayvon Martin tape.  Mac fought hard to show the difference between an error made when a producer had 10 minutes to cut a 5 minute audio recording versus a flagrant act of premeditated journalistic malpractice.  Rebecca immediately told Mac that journalistic malpractice is not in fact an actual crime.  Mac collapsed in her chair, saying “it should be”.  Will again found himself caught between giggling and being impressed with Mac’s indignation.  She was the perfect mama bear, protecting her young.  No one was going to suffer as long as Mac was around.  And Mac wasn’t going to suffer as long as Will was around.  He’d make sure of that, but the task would be difficult because she was starting to crack.  Not around anyone else.  She still steered the ship, she still made herself available to the staff.  But in his office, with him, it seemed she felt safe. 

He liked that.  He liked knowing that she trusted him so much, because he trusted her the same way.  He realized that day she needed him the way he needed her without realizing it. After the meeting with Rebecca about Dantana’s wrongful termination suit, she led a rundown meeting like nothing happened, then after talking to all the young producers who had questions and comments and whatever the fuck they talk to her about, she came in his office and closed the door.  She asked him to be honest and tell her if Dantana could really use Maggie against them.  He considered his answer and said he can try, but the question is will it hold up.  Who will the jury find more sympathetic, a corporation that picks and chooses who to employ or a poor man who was targeted by the a boss who wanted someone else?

“But that’s not what –”

“Happened?”  Will scoffed.  “It doesn’t matter.  It’s all about perception.  Neal’s group, Fuck wall Street or whatever only has a following because there’s a perception that anyone who makes more than a certain figure is evil.  Dantana and his lawyers are going to rely on that to get as much as they can.”

Quietly Mac asked, “And Rebecca?”

“I wasn’t a civil lawyer but I would guess she’s going to paint Maggie as a human who made a mistake.”

“If Maggie can pull herself together on the stand.”  Will looked at Mac and thought she was about to get sick.  Another thought occurred to her.  “Can we keep this from her?  From Maggie?”

“Not for long if at all.”

Mac bit her lip and all Will wanted to do was comfort her.  “I sent her, Will.  If I didn’t let her go.  If I would have looked at the news from Africa myself and stopped her…”

“Mac, it isn't your fault.”

“According to you, nothing is, is it?  I oversaw a God damned story that anyone with a functioning BRAIN would have known wasn’t true.  But that’s not my fault.  I had the power to pull it and I didn’t take it.  But that’s not my fault either.”

“We were a united front,” he said quietly, but didn’t think she heard.

“I sent a girl who wasn’t ready to Africa because she thought she had to prove something to me.”

He couldn’t stand it anymore.  He didn’t know what the next in her list of sins would be, but he knew that soon she would stumble on the big one, the end of their relationship and he didn’t want to get into that.  He did blame her for that and he wouldn’t be able to convince her otherwise.  So he stopped her, he put his hands on her arms and looked her in the eye.  “She was determined to go.  She would have found a way there.  You saved her after she came back.”

“How the fuck would you know?  You were busy with your…” She cut herself off and turned away from him. 

Nina.  They’d never talked about Nina.  Not when they were together, not really after it was over.  He wasn’t ready for that either, but the brokenness on her face, broke him.  He knew that she hated the idea of him with someone else.  Hell, he used that for months when she came back.  But he realized that getting involved with someone hurt her in a deeper way. 

“I’m sorry, Will.  That’s not what this is about.”

Will nodded his head, trying to figure out what to do next.  “Mac, we’re going to get through this.  Maggie’s not going to be on the hook for this.  You’re not losing your job over this.  We’re going to get through it.”

Mac looked him dead in the eye.  “I don’t believe you.  And I don’t think you believe you either.”  She left his office. 

That’s why Will more often than not chooses to be worried about Mac.  He didn’t like hearing what she had to say, but with him, it wasn’t bullshit.  With him it wasn’t the mask she wore for everyone else.  He saw her come in early to set up the show.  She didn’t want any mistakes.  She stayed late talking to the legal team or writing reports that she couldn’t get to during the day because she had to meet with Rebecca. 

Mac’s inner circle started noticing what Will noticed before long.  Jim, Sloane, Don, and even Elliot  took turns getting her food and taking her for a walk when they saw she hadn’t left the floor for too long.  Jim had the desk closest to her, so he would ping the group and tell them she needed lunch or a walk or whatever and someone would volunteer.  Will thought he saw Jim take a few turns in a row, so the younger man was called into Will’s office one day and reminded that everyone else had to have a chance or she’s going to catch on.  Jim asked if Will really thought she hadn’t caught on yet and Will said she’s been too distracted to notice that food was appearing or that someone wanted to go for a walk everyday. 

Will knew he lied to the senior producer.  Mac had asked him about it in another moment of honesty.  She knew that Will never took walks, there were only certain times he liked being mobbed by his fans and was always afraid they’d find him if he went out.  He told her that this was one of those times he didn’t care if he got mobbed.  When they got back to the ACN building, she accused him of being disappointed that he didn’t get recognized at all.  He told her he really didn’t mind, but she of course knew it was a lie. 

Will put out an edict that there would be no more newspapers delivered to the newsroom.  He said they are all competent journalists, so they should be able to find and research their own stories.  Mac pulled him into her office and told him that there was nothing to stop them from looking at online sources.  As she continued her tongue lashing, she said, “in fact all of them do use online sources, you and I are the only ones who look at hard copies.”  She stared at him and told him to sit down. 

“I don’t know what the fuck you think you’re doing.  You’ve got Sloane and Jim getting me sandwiches.  You keep taking me for walks for whatever reason, and then at night you spike my water with a sleeping pill.  Yeah, I know about that.  And now you’re trying to shelter me from the news?  Am I some child you think you need to take care of?”

“I know you’re not a child.  But a few of us are worried about you.”

“A few of you are worried about me, well I'm not your responsibility.  I haven't been for a long time.  And I’d appreciate if you’d stop.  You and Jim and whoever else you recruited to help me.”  Will looked at her without saying anything.  He wasn’t going to agree and he knew she didn’t want to hear anything else.  “And if you really want to help me, then fire me.”

“Mac, you know I’m not going to do that.”

“Why?  Because you think it’s best for this show?  For those people out there?  I’m just dead weight now.”

Will stood up feeling angry. He couldn’t explain why if asked, but thought it may have something to do with someone casting dispersions on Mac, even it was Mac herself.  “There is no dead weight in this office.  Not you, not Maggie, not anyone who’s name has been mentioned by any of the lawsuits.  You are the one who keeps this show together and so yeah, Me, Jim, Sloane, Don, Elliot, we’re all concerned about you and we’re happy to bring you a sandwich or whatever you need because we know you’re not taking care of yourself.”

“I don’t need your help.  I can get through this fine on my own.”

“If you’ve proved one thing this week, it’s that you can’t.”

Mac looked him dead in the face.  “Get out of my office.  And tell your merry lunch bunch to keep out too.  I’ve taken care of myself through worse than this.”

“I really don’t think you have, Mac.  At least not alone.  And you’re not alone now.”

“Get out.”


	4. Lawsuits, Part 2

Patronizing!

It was the only word that she could think of to describe Will since Genoa blew up.  Correction.  He’s always been patronizing, it comes with being legitimately the smartest person in most, if not all, rooms.  But it’s different now.  It’s never been directed at her.  She’s always been able to stand with him toe to toe.  His assiness forced her to step up her game, and when she did, he took it as a challenge and upped his game.  In their first relationship, their competitive natures made them make each other better.  They sharpened each other.  Since she came back, they started out competing, each looking for an advantage.  And then one day they understood that they were better together.  The competitiveness was channeled into a comfortable, complimentary relationship.  With a look they each just knew what needed done and who would do it.  They fought.  They teased.  They probably flirted.  But they both knew it wouldn’t go anywhere.  She ruined that.  So, they enjoyed what they could have.  She hoped it would naturally turn into more, and always wondered if he thought about that as well.  

When they lost the ability to work late because he had… other plans, when a big story broke, they could fall into their rhythm easily.  The rest of the time, they each did enough to get the broadcast finished.  When Will’s dad died, they returned to the comfortable pre-Nina relationship.  If that’s all she ever got from Will, she knew she got more than she could have ever asked for.  And when she saw him singing the ratings for Genoa out, she would never admit it to him, but she was glad to give him that.  He needed and deserved more, but for that moment he actually seemed happy and he grabbed her for a dance in the office and it felt good.  For a moment, she felt good. 

That didn’t even last an entire night.  That night Elliot interviewed Sweeney and the rest was history.  And somehow things just cycled out of control.  Now no matter what she does, she can’t get her mind unstuck from reliving that moment.  She can’t stop seeing his eyes when she said they have to retract.  And every time he does something kind, she can’t help wondering when the other shoe will drop.  When is he going to realize what she did to him?  He keeps suggesting that they go for a walk around the block.  Her first thought is to remember what it was like before, when they’d walk hand-in-hand around a park on the weekend or the National Mall trying to amaze each other with useless trivia, or around his family farm.  Then she’d have to remind herself that he didn’t suggest that, he suggested something for survival, something she should do herself.  Then she realized he was pitying her.  And then she’d realize it’s not just Will, it’s Sloane and Don and they wouldn’t pity her, so maybe Will isn’t.  And sometimes that would be enough for her to just accept whatever he offered, but sometimes it made her realize that someday he’s going to remember that it’s her fault and she can’t get used to counting on him.  Even if she wants to and if it feels like the most natural thing in the world. 

So, she hates him a little.  The first night he took her home and made sure she took a sleeping pill so she could rest.  And it worked.  She rested that night, and overslept.  The next night, he asked her to promise that she would go to sleep, and she said she would, and she tried.  But she couldn’t.  Some nights sleep just isn’t in the cards.  And she couldn’t call him because she wanted him to think she slept.  She made it three nights in a row of getting a total 4 hours of sleep before he caught on.  He took her for a walk around the block and she almost fell asleep on him mid step.  She wasn’t exactly sure how that’s possible.  He had a Tylenol PM, because of course he does and handed it to her before she left for the night and she promised to take it.  But when she got home, she thought of something she needed to research since she spent so much of the day with Rebecca.  So she never took it.  And when he saw her drinking her third cup of coffee in as many hours, he told her he was going to make sure she got home and got some sleep.  She asked him how he was going to do that.  It became a charged moment.  She watched the thoughts run past his face, many of them apparently X-rated, while he tried to find a safe answer.  Seeing her opening and not giving a fuck, she said, “You want to come over and fuck me, Will?  That’ll relax both of us.”

She expected that it would take him off guard and he’d laugh while thinking about the possibilities.  She hoped that he’d agree just to up the ante, see how close he could get before he had to back off.  That’s what she wanted.  That’s what would be normal for them.  Playful banter.  They would both know they wouldn’t go through with it, but they could see how far they can push before the other breaks.  Instead, he had a panicked look on his face. 

“Mac, you need to sleep.”

She knew she was wrong while she did it, but she couldn’t help it.  She wanted one fucking thing to be normal.  And this wasn’t it.  This was the line they didn’t cross.  It was an unspoken agreement.  Maybe she wanted him to get angry.  No, not just maybe, she wanted to see something from him besides pity.  She wanted him to stop treating her like an invalid that he has to tiptoe around and make sure everything is perfect for.  If he saw her as a person who fucks up, then maybe they can be equals again.  And if he can’t, then maybe she can have fun fucking with his head.  Or maybe he’d just give in and…  She looked at him.  He could barely hold back his disdain about the idea. 

She gave him her best wicked smile.  “I think I’d like you to come over and put me to bed.  I’d like –”

“Mac, that’s enough.  I’ll send Sloane to your place after work and if you’re not asleep, she’ll give you something.”

The Sloane couldn’t force Mac to take a pill and the next day Sloane reported back to Will.  Mac caught them, and Sloane wasn’t a good liar.  Mac could never get the charge to stick, but she nearly fell asleep in the cab on the way home that night and barely made it to bed before she fell asleep.  She assumed Will drugged her.  When she got into work the next day, Jim had already run the morning rundown. 

When she settled into her office, she had a meeting invite from Rebecca.  She made sure she went to the meeting before Will left his office.  She didn’t want to see him anymore than she had to.  As has become his custom, he sat next to Mac in the meeting and had his arm around her chair.  She tried to focus on what Rebecca said.  Jerry was suing them.  He fucking admitted that he baked the interview, Rebecca said that wasn’t contested, but she started asking about Maggie and Trayvon Martin and all of a sudden, Mac realized that Will was sitting next to her and he had his arm around her.  He was fucking babying her.  He didn’t want her as a woman, he only saw her as a project.  He got off on helping people.  People like his sisters.  And that’s how he saw her.  He fucking left that voicemail saying he never stopped loving her.  He went to her place after getting home from his father’s funeral because he wanted her.  Until he didn’t anymore.  And as much as she wanted it to be okay, because this is all she can hope for from him, it fucking hurt.  Being Will McAvoy’s little project.  Not being his equal.  Not making him better.  But being the thing he pities most, it fucking hurt. 

He must have seen the look she leveled at him because his arm went away from her.  She stayed after the briefing was over to ask Rebecca some questions.  Will suggested they go for a walk and he’d answer anything she wanted to know.  Before she could say anything, Rebecca reminded him that she’s the lawyer.  Will teased her back by smirking when he reminded her that he was also a member of the New York bar.  Watching the interplay between them only pissed off Mac more, so she told him she wanted to talk to Rebecca and Charlie told Will they could go to his office and discuss the new suit over a brandy, though Mac assumed that Charlie wanted Will to tell him how Mac’s doing.  Another person who will start treating Mac like a disappointing child. 

Mac finished talking to Rebecca and went to her office.  She didn’t get any work done, she didn’t have the focus.  She just finally got some good sleep and she was even more worthless than she was yesterday.  She led the rundown meeting and talked to the producers who had questions for her.  She didn’t know what possessed her to get up and walk to Will’s office, but she did.  She asked him if Jerry could really use Maggie against them?  Maggie!  Hasn’t fucking Maggie been through enough?  Now she’s being dragged into this frivolous lawsuit.  Fuck Jerry Dantana!

Mac watched Will as he tried to formulate an answer that would be as sugar coated as possible.  Some bullshit about perception of a jury.  Patronizing.  It comes with being the smartest person in the room.  A title they shared when they were together and in synch.  But they weren’t.  Or they were, but he didn’t see it.  He didn’t act like it.  He had to take care of her as if she was some poor, defenseless little kid. 

And she fucking hated him for it. 

“It sets up a precedent.  But it’s not just Maggie. Sloane’s pictures and hitting her ex-boyfriend.”  Mac got lost in the discussion, and he must have saw that.  He changed the subject.  “The question is will it hold up?  Jerry’s lawyers are counting on a jury finding him more sympathetic than a large corporation who gets to pick and choose who to employ.”

“But that’s not what –”

“Happened?”  Will scoffed.  “It doesn’t matter.  It’s all about perception.  Neal’s group, Fuck Wall Street or whatever only has a following because there’s a perception that anyone who makes more than a certain figure is evil.  Dantana and his lawyers are going to rely on that to get as much as they can.”

“And Rebecca?”

“I wasn’t a civil lawyer but I would guess she’s going to paint Maggie as a human who made a mistake.”

“If Maggie can pull herself together on the stand.” She said it to herself.  Mac had to take a second to understand all of this.  They were going to drag Maggie through the mud.  Sloane too, but Sloane could handle it.  Jim, but not that much.  Maggie had the misfortune of being part of that God damned triangle, she’d be treated like a cheating bitch.  Slut shamed.  And on top of that, she’d have to answer for the Trayvon Martin mistake.  Maggie was a younger version of Mac who hadn’t grown into herself yet.  Would this ever end, this one mistake, ever end?  For either of them?

She felt her chin start to quake a little as she asked, “Can we keep this from her?  From Maggie?”

As Mac looked at Will, she couldn’t quite understand what she saw in his face.  She used to know everything about this man, everything he thought before he thought it, but now he’s as mysterious to her as a stock report.  Her first thought was that he pitied her, but she thought it was something else.  When she couldn’t name what it was, pity seemed close enough, so she went with that.  “Not for long, if at all.”

She felt weak.  Maybe she was everything Will thinks she is.  She can own that.  She can own that if it means that Will can find a way to help Maggie.  “I sent her, Will.  If I didn’t let her go.  If I would have looked at the news from Africa myself and stopped her…”

“Mac, it isn't your fault.”

She couldn’t stand it anymore.  Not the look on his face.  Not the way he babied her.  She hated him.  He wasn’t talking about Maggie and how they were going to protect her.  Maggie was the one who needed help right now.  Maggie was the one who would take the brunt of all this.  Undeservedly take the worst of this.  This mess started and ended with Mac.  It shouldn’t involve Maggie, Jim or Sloane.  It shouldn’t mean the end of Will’s career.  The consequences should fall directly on Mac’s shoulders.  And here was Will patronizing her.  Again.  That’s all he ever does.  And she couldn’t stand it anymore.  “According to you, nothing is, is it?  I oversaw a God damned story that anyone with a functioning BRAIN would have known wasn’t true.  But that’s not my fault.  I had the power to pull it and I didn’t take it.  But that’s not my fault either.  I sent a girl who wasn’t ready to Africa because she thought she had to prove something to me.”

She had a list in her head of things that she needed to make him understand she did to make this all happen.  But he stopped her.  He put his hands on her arms.  He wouldn’t listen.  And she hated him even more for that.  She hated him for that so much that she didn’t even think about how nice it felt to have him this close.  To have him supporting her.  When he looked her in the eye, she felt nothing but the anger and the hurt that he inspired in her. 

“She was determined to go.  She would have found a way there.  And you saved her when she came back.”

She had a comeback for each statement.  If she would have told Maggie that she’d take Maggie to a hypothetical new show because of Maggie’s spunk or some other bullshit that she could sell, Maggie wouldn’t have needed to go.  Maggie couldn’t rub two dimes together, she wouldn’t have found a way.  But it was the third that Mac responded to. 

“How would you know.  You were busy with your…”  She cut herself off, realizing that she had to be more professional than this.  Besides she didn’t want to talk about Nina now.  She didn’t want to think about that humiliation on top of everything else.  That was like a dagger in the heart and she didn’t have enough heart to fight him about that too.  “I’m sorry Will, that’s not what this is about.”  It was a way to save face and he wouldn’t want to have that discussion either. 

She heard his voice go soft.  She had a sense that if anything else was happening around them, she would assume he was trying to be a… decent human being.  But she couldn’t assume that anymore.  Patronizing.  Maybe she’s wrong, but it’s just easier to assume that about him than to try to figure out his motives.  “We’re going to get through this Mac.  Maggie’s not going to be on the hook for this.  You’re not losing your job over this.  We’re going to get through it.”

Mac looked him dead in the eye and told him the truth.  “I don’t believe you.  And I don’t think you believe you either.”  And then she left his office. 

She wouldn’t say that after that she tried to pick fights with him, but she watched her behavior and knew that she did everything she could to push him away.  She was angry at him and let him know that any chance she got.  A couple days later he walked into her office and saw her reading an article criticizing ACN for their irresponsibility in reporting Genoa.  It became almost a sport at this point.  He told her they didn’t know what they were talking about and she asked what the _Times_ got wrong.  He tried to talk about the chain of evidence they’d all had to memorize.  She told him it didn’t matter and that she needed to find a way to get sources for a story when they couldn’t talk to the Pentagon.  Will took his cue and left. 

He went out of her office and immediately declared that there would be no more hard copies of the news sent to their floor.  Mac rolled her eyes and called him back to her office.  She wanted to have it out with him.  She wanted to yell and scream at him.  And so she did.  And at the end of the conversation, she kicked him out and refused the food and attention he’d arranged.  She wasn’t going to be an object of his pity anymore. 

 


	5. Sources Pt 1

Mac sat in her seat at the table staring at them.  There are four lawyers facing her on the other side of the table, like a jury deciding her fate.  She sees them every fucking day, usually more than once.  Rebecca is the only one whose name she ever bothered to learn.  She sometimes wonders what … Larry, Moe and Shemp’s?… job is.  It doesn’t actually matter, she just wishes they would stop calling her into this God damned room every other hour so maybe she can get her job done.  She doesn’t know any more than what she said.  Her story hasn’t changed, because she told the truth… every fucking time they asked.  How many more times can she say she figured it out, but it was too little, too late?  When will these say the obvious -- she, Will and probably Charlie won’t get out of this without someone losing their job.  If those God damned lawyers would admit that, then maybe Will would finally listen to reason.  But they won’t say it because as long as they don’t there’s hope that they can win, and as long as there’s hope they can win, the lawyers stay employed.  And this is fucking capitalism at work and she hates it.  And she fucking hates that she understands that much about capitalism. 

“Mac, did you hear me?”

“I’m sorry, I’m supposed to be running a meeting right now.”

“I only need you for a few more minutes.  Were you aware that both Charlie and Will used Shep Pressman as a source?”

Mac couldn’t hide her surprise.  “What?”

“Shep Pressman.”

“No, that can’t be.  Charlie told you that?”

Mac saw the lawyers look at each other and Rebecca moved her computer to get a better look at Mac.  “Mac are you okay?”

“I have to go.  But no.  Until this moment I didn’t know who either of their sources were.”

Mac left the room feeling the blood beating in her ears and trying to stop the tears from stinging her eyes.  She didn’t know why this hurt her so much, but it did and she had to go, she had to leave.  Just be somewhere that the lawyers weren’t. 

She looked at her watch and saw the rundown would go for another 45 minutes.  That was fine, Jim needs the practice.  The staff needs to see that they will be in good hands.  She went down to the AWM gym and changed into her gym clothes that she hasn’t used since they retracted.  She didn’t know how long it’s been anymore, just that it was mid-October and besides the normal news and the meetings with Rebecca, she should be planning election coverage.  As she walked to the treadmill, she almost convinced herself to turn around, there’s too much to do to take this break. 

But she’s got to think, she has to understand what the fuck happened.  She got on the treadmill and started at a fast walk to get warmed up.  The only thing she could think was that Will gave up his source.  Journalists, real journalists, don’t give up a source.  They don’t cook an interview so they can tell the story they want tot tell, and they don’t give up their source.  He should know better.  So why did he?  Doesn’t he see how hard she’s fighting for him to keep his career, keep the thing that keeps him sane and… not happy, she hasn’t seen him happy like he used to be… like they used to be, since she came back.  But she’s trying to make up for it.  She’s trying to let him fire her so he can be a journalist that he can be proud of.  It’s the only thing she can do for him now.  And he’s throwing it away with both fucking hands. 

He doesn’t want her.  He apparently doesn’t want his career.  What the fuck does he want?  She increased the pace and couldn’t keep up.  She understood that she hasn’t run in the last weeks except to get from one useless meeting to another, so she shouldn’t expect to be able to run at her regular pace, but it seemed like another failure in a long line of them.  She can’t remember the last time she didn’t fail at something and, God damn it, this is just putting one foot in front of the other.  She should be able to master this.

She tried to remember when the last time was that she got any exercise.  Since this shit storm started, it could only be when Will has took her on a walk.  She questioned the choice of phrase, but that’s what it’s like.  She’s some sort of dog on a leash.  He keeps her around, makes sure she’s eating, walking and sleeping, the basics for survival, but that’s it.  He can’t trust her to do anything else.  Because he knows what she’s only figuring out now, everything she touches turns into a failure.  She reduced the speed on the treadmill back to a walk.  What’s the point of trying if she knows she can’t succeed?  Why the fuck is she here if she can’t shut down her thoughts for a minute?  If she takes a shower now and gets back in her work clothes, then she can get back to the office just as the rundown is ending and get briefed by Jim and maybe talk to Don about election night.  They had a lot of plans made before the shit hit the fan, so a lot of the work is follow up and watching polling data, which she would hand off to someone anyway.  If she hands election night to Jim and has Kendra focus on covering rundowns when Mac can’t be there herself…  She hates the idea.  Election nights are her Super Series, she doesn’t want to give it away, but it’s going to be a disaster if she can’t get it planned.  And she has to set Jim up well, give him the best start she can because even if she gift wraps Election Night, she was right before, no one will trust them again. 

She showered and got dressed and went back upstairs.  The meeting was wrapping up, but Will had already left and was coming down the hall.  He looked at her and put a fake smile on his face.  He’s been doing that a lot lately.  She thought maybe she was imagining it, she hoped that it was real, but she knew his real smile.  “You’re back!  How was Rebecca and the Holidettes?”  Mac stared daggers at him.  “Don started calling them that,” he muttered.

Mac marched into his office, forcing him to follow.  When he did and closed the door, she started in on him.  “You gave up the name of your source?”

Will looked surprised, “What?”  He paused for a second, then added, “yeah, Charlie gave up his and I was there.  When it was the same person, there was no reason to protect him.”

“No reason to protect him?  A source, Will.  He was a source.”

“Yes, Mac.  He was a source who went out of his way to cause as much trouble as he could. I felt under no obligation to help him anymore.”

“Who the hell are you to decide who gets your protection?”

“The one with the protection to give.”

Mac wasn’t sure when he dropped his fake good humor, but looked at him with a level of contempt she didn’t think she ever felt before.  “You’re a journalist.  Journalists have an obligation, even if we don’t particularly like our sources.  When we compromise –”

“Fuck your God damned ethics, Mac.  Look around you.  None of us are as Polly Anna as you like to believe.  And why lay this on me?  Charlie gave up the name too.  Why don’t you go talk to him?  Tell _him_ what you think of _him_ and _his_ integrity.”

For a second she felt cornered.  She didn’t have a good answer.  She knew enough to know that she didn’t see Charlie compromising and it didn’t make sense.  She looked at Will who stared at her with a smug look on his face.  “Because I expect more from you, Will.  I’m not trying to save Charlie’s job.  Charlie never made me feel like I owe him.  He’s never patronized me the way you do.”

“I’m not patronizing you.”

“Oh really?  You tip toe around here like I’m a porcelain doll that you have to protect from the real world.  Look at me, Will.  I’m a fucking grown adult woman that’s handled a hell of a lot worse than this.”

“Are you sure about that?  Because what I see is a woman who’s falling apart.  So, I’m trying to lighten your load.  I’m trying to fucking help you.”

Any anger that hadn’t risen to the surface yet, erupted out of her.  “Who the fuck are you to decide if I need my load lightened?”

“I’m the managing editor.  I get to decide who does what.  So, if I decide that Jim and Kendra can start working with Don, Elliot and myself on election coverage, I can make that call.”

“You’re taking the election away from me?”

Will put his head in his hands and took a deep breath.  Mac recognized that he was trying to regain whatever composure he had, but it wouldn’t work.  “Right now it’s follow up, we’ll get everything in place and bring you up to speed weekly and we’ll hand it over to you at the right time.”

“Were you planning to tell me any of this?  Or were you just hoping that I wouldn’t notice the date?”  Will didn’t have an answer, just a look that told her he wished he hadn’t said anything.  “You’re taking away the election, you won’t fucking fire me, and you won’t…”  She didn’t know how to say what she wanted to say.  The end to that statement has something to do with seeing her as a woman or wanting her.  Not finishing had more to do with the lack of words to say it, than the ache that feels more pronounced now because she wants just a touch.  She wants someone to hold her and tell her it will all be okay.  But she doesn’t know how to say that.  Not to the man who holds her in contempt as often as Will. 

“What?  I won’t what?”  Will paused, Mac assumed waiting for her to say something, but she couldn’t find any words.  “I’m not taking the election from you.  You have to meet with Rebecca and there’s the regular show to do.  Both of those are full time jobs.    Jim wasn’t here for most of the investigation and Kendra wasn’t part of the team at all.  They have time you don’t.  I’m not firing you, and that’s all I have to say about that.  And whatever the fuck else is going on in your mind, I’m sorry for whatever I did.  How’s that?”

Part of Mac knew that he was truly trying to do what was right for everyone.  She even understood his rationale, she just hated that he made the decision without her.  Again.    And he wasn’t giving her what she needed.  And she didn’t know how to ask for it.  She looked at him and saw how run down he was.  She wanted to apologize, but it felt like it would take more effort to do that than anything else.  “Thanks, but if you really think I can’t handle the fucking job, then firing me really is your only option.”

Mac turned, feeling worse than she did when she came in.  She went to her office and sat for a second.  What the fuck just happened?  How did she let that get so out of hand?  She squeezed her eyes shut hoping to silence all her thoughts, for just a second.  It didn’t work, but the prevailing voice in her head let her know that she had to apologize.  She got up and knocked on Will’s office door.  He signaled that he needed a second, so she let herself in and looked at her phone.  She heard him make an appointment to see a doctor.  For a second she realized that she didn’t need to know what he was going to do, but he didn’t seem too bothered by it. 

When he got off the phone, he said, “I need to leave in a minute.”

“This will just take a second.  I’m sorry. I was out of line.”

Will seemed to relax just a little.  “Everyone’s nerves are on edge.”

“Don’t just give me a pass, Will.”

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to say or do.”  Will took another deep breath and stood up.  “I need to go.  I’ll be back before final rundown.”

He left his office, acting like he would catch on fire if he had to look at her for another second.  She stood in his office for another moment, pulling herself together so she could face the hoard of journalists on the other side of the door who had questions and problems that she didn’t know if she knew how to answer. 


	6. Sources Part 2

“The doctor will see you now.”

Will shook his head.  He didn’t believe anyone outside low budget cable movies with has-been celebrities said things like that.  But apparently those characters have to be based on something.

Will followed the receptionist into Jack Habib’s office.  The young doctor put down his book and feigned surprise.  “Will!  It’s so nice to see you!  How long has it been?”

Will didn’t want a lecture from someone who just learned to shave.  He grabbed the book Habib put down and said, “ _Romeo and Juliet_?  Are they still teaching this in high school?”

“Grad school.  My girlfriend is teaching a course on Shakespeare.  She wanted my opinion on Shakespeare’s handle of the inner workings and motivations of the human mind --”

Will examined the book and smirked.  “I’m sure that makes awesome pillow talk.  And I suppose you kept this out here because you want me to realize that Mackenzie is my true, star-crossed love?”

Habib laughed.  “I don’t believe in star-crossed lovers, relationships take hard work and even then many don’t make it no matter how much they loved one another.”  Will’s look told the doctor that Will was at least considering the idea, even if he would never admit it.  He got serious again and took the book back.  “I was reading this because it perplexes me.  How can a man who wrote such insightful works like _Hamlet_ and _Macbeth_ try to pass off two horny teenagers as the greatest love story ever told?  Besides, last time you were here you started seeing that gossip columnist.”

Will wasn’t sure where this was going, but he worked as a lawyer long enough to always assume people with letters behind their names were trying to lead him down a path.  “It didn’t work out.”

“That’s too bad.  I liked the idea of you in a less complicated relationship.  Rumor is you your father passed away.”

Will gave a derisive chuckle.  “Are you going to ask me if the two are related?  Or am I supposed to be surprised that you know that?”

Habib kept his expression trained, giving a smile to Will as he reached behind his chair and pulled out the latest issue of _Star_ Magazine.  “I have to keep up with my clients somehow.  You’re not the only semi-celebrity that misses more appointments than he makes.”

Semi-celebrity, that stung, but Will wouldn’t let the psychologist know. 

Habib waited for Will to finish reacting to his last statement before he continued, “and I don’t expect you would answer whether the breakup was due to your father’s death.”  When Will didn’t say anything, Habib went on.  “So, if you’re not here because of your commitment issues.”

“I don’t have any commitment issues, I just haven’t found someone I want to be committed to.”

“And it’s not because of a brutal breakup with Nina.”

Will rolled his eyes.  He didn’t understand why he had to answer this all the time.  “We were barely dating.  We had fun together, but it was never going to be more than that and we both knew it.”

“And you’re not here because of you father’s death.”

“He’s burning in hell, it was a happy day overall.”

“That means what finally brought you here after close to a year is—”

“It’s not Mackenzie.”

Habib shot Will a look of amusement.  “I was going to say that Genoa broadcast.”

Will took a second to think.  The fact was, he didn’t know why he came to see Habib.  Why now, why today?  He didn’t know what drove him here, but he knew he needed to come.  He liked the idea that it was Genoa and not, well, he liked that it was Genoa.  And as he thought about why Habib would think that, it made sense.  Mac never missed an opportunity to harass him about his overactive interest in his own fame.  When he first met Habib, that had to be when he was still a fame whore, so Habib’s assumption that Will was concerned about losing his fame made sense.  Even if there seemed to be a voice in his head that said Habib was wrong, Will liked the possibility.

“Yeah, it’s been a bitch and I could lose everything because of it.”

Habib nodded his head.  “What’s everything?”

Will couldn’t read his face.  Something inside him still felt like he was being led somewhere, but he couldn’t figure out where the doctor was taking him.  “My job for one.  Mackenzie says that I would die if I couldn’t be on TV, and I think she’s right.  Despite my best efforts to the contrary, I’ve made some friends, or at least people I’ll miss seeing.”

Habib snickered as he said, “Those are friends, Will.”  Will thought about what losing his job would mean.  The more he thought about it, the more convinced he was that if Habib was taking him down a path it was the wrong one.  “But, I’m sure you know that if you lose your job, you can go back to being a lawyer, maybe take some of those new liberal tendencies and fight for the little guy instead of furthering a political career that never took off.”

Will gave a little chuckle.  “I think I’d fit right in on the Hill.  An amoral asshole who can expertly use personality to dodge any real questions.”

“Moderates can’t get elected anymore and you’re not far enough left or right to be accepted by either party.  But you’re not here for career advice.”

“Are you sure?”

“Well I can’t get you elected to an office.  And I barely watch television.”

Will looked at the book on Habib’s desk again.  “Shakespeare.  Right.  You said he was a master of understanding the inner workings and motivation of the human mind.”

“He was.  At least in his tragedies.  Overall, those are stories of complex men who slowly, one decision at a time, turn into people capable of horrible things.”

“And that’s what you think I am.”

Habib shook his head.  “No.  That’s what Shakespeare sees as human nature.  You don’t know why you’re here, do you Will?”

“If I did, I would have said it by now.”

Habib laughed.  “No, you wouldn’t.  You enjoy playing the game, being the smartest person in the room.  Making people guess what you’re thinking and then laughing when they’re wrong.”  He looked at his patient who couldn’t help the smug look on his face.  “You stopped coming when you started barely dating the gossip columnist.  I assume because you felt good.  Having a healthy, uncomplicated relationship made you feel good.  And that type of relationship should.  What was going on in the rest of your life during that time?”

Will tried to find an answer, but he wasn’t entirely sure what Habib wanted to know.  “I don’t know.  Life went on.  As it turns out Mac and half the staff were working on the Genoa story.”

“You were isolated?”  Habib though through what he knew about the social dynamics of the office.  “You were dating a woman that was hated by the people you worked with, so they probably stayed professional, but gave you the cold shoulder and Mackenzie probably threw herself into her work.”

Will thought about it for a second.  “No one said anything to my face, but I heard comments.  They probably thought it was a betrayal of Mac, but it wasn’t.  I didn’t think about Mac at all when I started dating her.”  Will only had to look at Habib to realize his error.  The last time Will was here, Habib questioned Will’s motivation in asking Nina out. Habib realized Will asked Nina out just after Mac suggested Will said he still loved Mac on the voicemail.  That first date ended with Nina taking a phone call from Mac and lying about what the message said.  Will genuinely believes that Mac had nothing to do with Will asking Nina out, but he understands why Habib may disagree.  “Things changed.  We didn’t talk about Mac.  I kept my work world separate from my personal world.”

Habib turned around, flipping through a cabinet behind his desk and producing a magazine with Will and Nina on the cover.  “You may have tried to keep them separate, but everyone in the office was aware.”

Habib was surprised by the look of regret on Will.  “I couldn’t control the media, but I tried to keep them separate and Mac… Mac always tried to keep things normal.  She didn’t accept any passive aggressive bullshit from the staff.”

“Did you know it was killing her?”

Will shook his head.  He didn’t.  Until this moment he didn’t realize that the look of pain she carries around as her standard now is an exaggerated version of what she looked like when he started dating Nina.

“You were in a relationship, or whatever you call it that kept you isolated from the people you just called friends, and that didn’t bring you here.  Since you said Mac and the staff worked on the Genoa story, you didn’t?”

Will shook his head.  “Not until the end.  I had to look at it with fresh eye, poke holes in it.  It looked impenetrable.”

Habib thought for a second.  Will saw him put something together and then seemed to change course.  “So, the next thing that happened was your dad died.  What was that like?”

“I was on the air.  I was his emergency contact and got a call just before the show started.  I had to call during commercial breaks.  The first call was a farm hand, he’d been taken to the hospital.  Mackenzie convinced me to call his cell, make his day, avoid a fight later.”

“You called too late.”  Habib watched Will nod his head, more regret in his face.  “You never figured out what you were supposed to feel did you?  It is okay to mourn the man you wish he was.”

Will placed his professional mask back on and said, “I’ve dealt with this already.  And it fucked me over.  Mackenzie –”  He didn’t know how to finish the sentence.  What the fuck do you say about the woman who knows you well enough to make sure you get on a plane, who you spend your whole time away thinking about?  Whose place you went to after because you couldn’t think of anywhere else you would want to be, until you realize that you can’t be with her?  “She cheated on me.  We were together for a year when she started an affair with her ex-boyfriend.  When I wanted her the most, I couldn’t forget about her choosing him.”

“And so you broke up with the gossip columnist?”  Will nodded his head.  “Did it make anything better?  Were you able to talk to Mackenzie again?”

“A few weeks later Charlie forced us to go to dinner and, everything just felt like it did before Nina.”

“So you’re not here because of the isolation.  And you’re not here because of your dad or the breakup.  And you don’t seem convinced that it’s what can happen as a result of your story.  So, what happened before you decided to call for an appointment?”

“I’ve never seen her that angry.  She wants me to fire her, she wants to fall on her sword, take all the responsibility.  And as long as I don’t fire her, I’m the bad guy for keeping her around because I, I can’t imagine doing any of this, anything without her.”

Habib picked up his copy of _Romeo and Juliet_ and flipped through the pages, a new thought occurring to him.  “The problem with this play is that _we_ misunderstand it, it’s not the play itself.”  He looked at his patient who looked confused.  “Love requires making a choice and committing to someone, which is also a choice.”  Habib reached into his bookshelf and found _Love’s Labor Lost_.  “Now here’s a story about what love is and isn’t.”

“I’m sorry doc, I’m not following you.”

“This is story about love and commitment, Shakespeare understood this as well as the human mind.  But this isn’t recognized as one of his greatest or well-known works, I think because infatuation is easier.”  Habib looked and could tell Will was listening, but not understanding.  “You and McKenzie are not Romeo and Juliet.  Star crossed lovers like that don’t exist.  In fact, their relationship was nothing more than infatuation.  The tragedy of _that_ story, I think, is the loss of two innocent lives over a stupid rivalry that whose genesis is a mystery.  Real love takes choice and commitment.  Without those things, it’s little more than infatuation.  You have to make a decision, Will.  You’ve watched her for two and half years make the choice to love you, can you do the same for her?”

Habib watched tears start to form in Will’s eyes as Will said, “I love her.  I know that, but I don’t know how.  I don’t know how to stop seeing the back of his head when I start feeling close to her.  But that doesn’t matter.  Or it seems like it doesn’t matter.  Right now, I just want to know how to make her stop hurting.  I would do anything to make her stop hurting, except the one thing she wants.”

For a moment Jacob Habib almost released his professional mask to comfort a man with a heart he didn’t expect to see.  “For a year, starting with last year’s 9/11 coverage, you felt like you couldn’t do anything.  That broadcast was taken from you, you couldn’t tell Mackenzie how you felt.  That drone story, the death row inmate.”

“I thought you were reading Shakespeare.”

“You’re not the only genius who did everything early because of a near eidetic memory.”  Jack Habib took a second to smile at his client.  He got serious again.  “Do you really believe that she wants to leave?”

“She thinks its inevitable.  And she’s probably right, even though no one will say it.  And when it happens, it won’t just be her.”

“But if she could have anything she wants, it would be –”

Will filled in the blank for him.  “To do the show that we do, the way that we do it, with the people she has raised and trained since she arrived.”

“And that’s what you want too?”  Will nodded his head and Habib thought for a second.  “You’re not the bad guy, Will.  And you can’t stop her from feeling.  But you can be her friend.  Listen to her, really hear what she’s saying.  She’s probably isolated herself the way you have in the past.  Support her.  It’s all you can do.  And I did hear what you said.  For the rest, let me tell you about a kid who used to chew paper.  His parents took him to all kinds of doctors to get him to stop chewing paper, but he kept eating it.  Then they took him to the most expensive doctor in the world and after examining him, the doctor said to the kid, “If you stop chewing paper, your parents will stop taking you to doctors.”  The kid turned to his parents and said, “Why didn’t you just say so?”” 

Will looked at Habib waiting for the moral of the story.  Finally he said, “What the fuck are you talking about?”

Habib laughed. “Think about it, Will.  But while you do that, be her friend.  That’s what she needs most.  Try to see how she’s feeling.”

It wasn’t the advice Will expected.  He came looking for a simple answer and felt like he left with more questions.  But he knew that he had to be whatever she needed.  And if she needed a friend, he’d find a way to do that. 


	7. Sources, Pt 3

Will spent most of the day working from a Starbucks across the street and didn’t go to the office until the last production meeting started.  After his meeting with Habib, he decided that he didn’t want to talk to Mac until everyone left so they could be alone.  He saw her in the conference room, holding herself together as the control room guys saw the rundown for the first time.  If he didn’t know any better, he wouldn’t have known she was unravelling.  He wondered if that was the strength he always thought.  He thought about himself before she came back.  He went to the meetings he had to, and he said the things he was supposed to, but he never actually attended.  Not the way she insisted he did.  Not the way she wanted to.  He wondered if she experienced that.  When he did it, he found himself isolated, it didn’t bother him.  But it would bother her.  A lot.  She valued relationships and she mentored this team, even the control room guys who worked there longer than she’s been out of junior high.  He wondered if maybe he was wrong, he should give in, let her have what she wants.  Fire her.  But he can’t.  He can’t do any of this without her.  It doesn’t mean anything without her.  He doesn’t want to do this with anyone else. 

He went into his office and after he got dressed he went to hair and makeup while she started whatever the fuck she does in control.  When he made it to the studio, he heard her professional voice.  He’s come to loathe that voice.  She sounds tired and run down.  She didn’t crack jokes, or laugh, or try to get him to break in the middle of an interview.  She used it in the first weeks that he saw Nina.  He heard it when he brought Brian to the studio.  The night he showed her the ring.  Probably when he had the women meet him at the studio.  He missed hearing her laugh.  He missed seeing her passion.  They have a show to do, but this is the moment that he has to decide that he will be the man she needs.  And he will be.  Whatever that means.

The show ended and Will took his time leaving the studio.  He wanted to make sure that she was in her office when he talked to her, and she would be, some nights he wonders if she even goes home.  He stopped by Jim’s desk and handed him some money, asking him to make sure the staff cleared out so he can talk to Mac.  Jim agreed and took everyone to Hang Chews.  Finally, Will knocked on Mac’s door and let himself in. 

Mac sighed heavily and said, “What do you want?  Going to take something else from me? Or am I late to a meeting with Rebecca?”

Her voice was weak and as he stood there he wanted to just take it all from her, give her the one moment of relief that she obviously wanted.  He sat in the chair opposite her and said as quiet as he could, “I told Rebecca that we’re taking the night off.  I just want to talk.”

Mac shot him a quizzical look.  “I’ve been here all day, you could have talked to me anytime then.”

Will shook his head.  “No.  I don’t want to…”  Will agonized all day about what to say but still didn’t know how to do this.  “Mac…”

Mac sat at her desk frustrated.  She didn’t know about what, probably nothing specific.  More and more she feels like she doesn’t belong, like she’s overstayed her welcome.  If he would just let her go, just fire her… She loves her job and her team.  But the thing she loves most about the news and what she does is knowing that she makes a difference for the better and she isn’t.  And Will reminds her of that.  She was supposed to remind him of how the news should be done.  She was supposed to teach the staff how to do it right.  And now she’s barely doing it at all, and her continued presence is an albatross around their collective neck.  “What is it, Will?  What did you bribe the staff to leave so you could say to me?”

Will looked at her surprised.  “How did you? —”

“Jim’s desk is right outside my door.  I saw you give him money and then he got the team together.  It didn’t take Columbo to figure that out.”

Will smiled at her.  This is his Mac, the insightful woman who knows every trick in his book.

It feels like a lifetime ago since she would have gotten a rise from that look of appreciation on his face.  But she couldn’t find it in herself to feel anything beyond her annoyance.  “Will, are you going to say something or are you just going to sit there with a stupid look on your face?”

And she never stops producing.  That’s the annoying part of her, it’s nearly enough to make him laugh.  “Mac, I’m worried about you and I want you to talk to me.”  When Will finished, he looked at her expectantly.

Mac had no idea what was going on but she had a million things to do and Will felt like a roadblock to doing any of them.  “I don’t know what the fuck you’re expecting, Will, but I need to get caught up on –”

“No, you don’t.”  Will was determined to get this right.   

“So, I suppose you’re going to put in the rec for the new camera operator we need when Sally goes on leave and glance over the trends report that I need to find some nugget to talk about in the EP meeting with Charlie tomorrow and the –”

“Ok, I get it.  You have things you need to do.  And they’re important.”  Will tried again to figure out a way to start this.  “But so is this.”

Mac signaled that he should continue and when he didn’t, she said, “What is?  I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.”

“You, Mac.  I’m fucking worried about you.”

Mac looked at him and felt herself begin to deflate even more.  Every time she thinks she hit bottom, she finds another level to descend.  “You’re worried that I’m going to fuck up your show?”

“What?  No!  Are you still –?  No, Mac.”  Will didn’t know how many chances to get this right he had, but he took another shot.  “Mac, there is not another person that I trust more with this show than you.  I’ve watched you come into work everyday since this fucking mess started and you are the picture of professionalism out there.”

“Then what the fuck are you worried about?”

“You, Mac.  I’m worried about you. My best friend.  My most trusted partner.”

“That’s all I am.”  She said it under her breath.  She didn’t know if he heard it or not.  If he did, he didn’t let on.  She looked at him and gave a derisive laugh.  “Since when have you been worried about me?”

He heard her, but didn’t let on.  It hurt him, every word she said filled him with shame.  He didn’t have time to figure out what he’d done to make her feel like he dismissed her feelings so easily.  “Mac…”

“Mac, what?”  It came out sharp and she didn’t fucking care.  It felt good to not have to censor how she felt.  But still, she looked at him, hoping to see something.  All she saw in his face was pity.  More fucking pity.  Not enough to make him fire her, but enough to make him think he has to come in here and do damage control or something.  She didn’t know what the fuck his plan or intention was and she didn’t care.  Not anymore.  “You want to talk.  Let’s talk.”  Mac heard her breathing change, she felt her face clinch up.  She didn’t know where any of this came from and she didn’t know how to stop it, or even if she wanted to.  “You know when the last time you cared about me, as a person was?  It sure as hell hasn’t been since I came back.  It wasn’t the day that I left.”

“Mac –”

“No, no, you wanted to talk, let’s talk.  Let’s talk about the last time you strung me along.  Made me feel like maybe there was a chance, there was a small part of you that…”

Will didn’t know where this was going, but felt attacked.  Every part of his being wanted to lash out, but he remembered Habib telling him to listen, that’s all he’s supposed to do.  “Part of me that what, Mac?”

“You said the only way you would ever give up his name was if someone was torturing me.  But those were just words, weren’t they?”

“No they weren’t, Mac.  There was no reason to not give him up.  If we have him testify, he sure as hell won’t keep it a secret.  He outsmarted me and Charlie and he’s fucking proud of it.”

Mac didn’t pause, she heard the words he said, but didn’t take a second to evaluate if they made sense.  “You told me that you came to my place after your father died because you thought you loved me, but apparently you were wrong.”

He couldn’t face her.  He went to her because he loved her, but he wasn’t able to cheat on Nina so he wondered why it was easy for her.  He still hasn’t figured that out and thinking about still hurt.  He wanted her, he never stopped.  Or maybe he fell in love with her again when she came back.  But he kept sabotaging himself.  Looking, or not looking at her in this moment, he saw that when he sabotaged himself, he hurt her.  And God damn it, he didn’t want to do that. 

“You fucking told me that you loved me on the voicemail.  Did you know that your girlfriend lied about what it said?”  Mac looked at Will and could tell he did.  “Yeah, Will.  She told me about it later.  Six fucking months later, the night your father died, you missed a date with her and she called me, accusing me of having an affair with you, because you were still in love with me.  Why the fuck would you tell her that and not me?” 

Will took a breath.  He knew that it didn’t matter what he said, but he wanted to say something.  “I’m sorry she called you.”

“Oh you’re sorry.  You were the one who couldn’t say the word all those years ago.  You were scared of committing, do you remember that?  Do you remember dating me, but not calling it a relationship for a year?  Your fucking unwillingness to say what you felt?”.  Mac felt like a dam broke.  She knew that she shouldn’t say all this, but once she started, she couldn’t stop.  And she didn’t want to.  For a fleeting moment she wondered if she will regret this later, but when she took a breath and saw his face, she didn’t care. 

Will thought he had prepared himself for a conversation with her.  He spent the day considering all the ways this could play out, but he didn’t expect this ancient history.  He didn’t expect this attack.  When she brought up their past, he felt his heart pound.  How dare she bring this up?  He could manage to listen to her blame herself for something that is 100% Jerry Dantana’s fault.  But, she’s trying to shift the blame for their break up on him.  He can’t let her do that.  It’s an attack against who he is.  He made sure back then that he did everything right.  He was the fucking good guy back then and she wasn’t going to take that from him.  “You knew how I felt, you knew it!”

“How, Will?  You refused to say it.  You refused to give me a lexicon for our whatever the fuck it was since you wouldn’t admit to being in a relationship, and after you made sure that I knew you didn’t want me to meet your family under any circumstances, you went to Nebraska and pre-emptively blamed for anything that happened.”

Will felt himself fighting inside.  On hand, he wanted to lash out, tell her she couldn’t use that against him.  It’s ancient history and has nothing to do with what’s happening now.  On the other hand, he had Habib’s voice in his head, telling him he had to listen, that’s the only thing that he had to do.  Loving her, it was the best part of him and she ruined it.  She had to be the one to ruin it, because if he did...  She had to be the one.  He couldn’t be the asshole who ruined the only good thing he had in his life.  She had to be wrong.  Whatever the fuck she had to say, she had to be wrong.  “You know why I didn’t want you to go.  And besides, if you loved me you wouldn’t have gone off with him.”

“I know why you didn’t want me to go now.  You came home, you told me you loved me and then made me figure out what your dad did to you.  But by then it was too late.”

He looked at her and saw that she wanted to tell him about it, tell him about the night that their relationship ended.  He didn’t need to hear it.  It happened.  And now he has to live with it. 

“Fire me or get the fuck out.  You always had this idyllic image of what happened, where you played the part of the hero who was jilted by the whore you slept with.  But that’s far, far from the truth.  I don’t know why the fuck you want to keep me around here, but maybe it’s time for me to just not come back and let you spin it however you want.”

Mac heard the words the same as Will did.  She didn’t plan them, but knew she had gone too far to back off.  She prepared herself to walk out and not come back.  If she did that, then she would force their hand.  Will was smart enough to spin it the way she wanted.  She won, there was no joy in winning, but she won. 

Will looked at her, challenging her to move, to start packing her things.  Hell, if she did, he might help her.  How dare she blame him for her affair.  Even if it played out the way she said, she was with him for 4 months.  He told her he loved her the minute he got back.  She knew at that point.  He wasn’t wrong.  He wasn’t.  As he let his indignation control his head, Habib’s voice got quieter and quieter.  “You have a job here, I’m not firing you.  It would hurt our case if I did.  We need to have a strong position of believing we were right.  If you want to bail on us, go ahead, but on the books, you’ll still be the EP.  Which means that Jim and Kendra won’t get the titles they deserve until this is over.”  Will walked out of her office and went back to his own.  He sat down and put his feet on his desk.  He felt tears well up in his eyes while his brain was scattered.  One second he defended his actions in 2007.  In the next he told himself she won’t leave, she can’t.  He wondered if there was any truth in what she said.  Then he countered by reminding himself that it wasn’t an isolated incident, it happened repeatedly.  Then he wondered what the fuck this has to do with anything going on right now.  She must not understand how much her betrayal hurt him.  After all this time and the apologies she gave, she didn’t get it.  She betrayed him, not the other way around. 

This felt familiar.  The emptiness.  He got angry and walked out.  Last time he kicked her out, but she was in his apartment, that’s how it should have worked.  This isn’t how it should end.  She wanted a calm conversation.  He would understand that she was giving herself up for him, to make up for what she did before.  He was supposed to appreciate her sacrifice.  She bit her lip as she realized that screaming to him that he played a part in what happened probably undermines her intents. 

But two things can be true at the same time.  He could play a part in her affair and she can still be wrong.  She can be remorseful for ruining the best thing she had in her life ever, and still think he was a jackass.  Since when has any dispute ever been 100% someone’s fault?  She made the decisions and she has to take responsibility for them, but they didn’t happen in a vacuum.  And he proved that he still hasn’t forgiven her.  And as long as that’s true, the picture of a happily ever after will never happen.

She looked around her office, soon Jim’s office.  She couldn’t back down.  Not now.  She’s so close to getting what she…  It’s not what she wants.  It’s what she has to do for the greater good.  She told him she would pack up and never come back.  She can do it.  She saw Will’s anger at her, once she’s gone, he’ll come to his sense.  He’ll find a way to publicly place the blame on her.  He won’t do it personally, but it’ll save face.  She brought a couple boxes in the day after she fired Jerry.  She can pack.  And then she can finally get a few days sleep.  She’s needed that.  At least there’s a silver lining. 

The voices in Will’s head didn’t calm down.  Some demanded that he walk back into her office and defend himself.  Some demanded that he storm into her office and demand she stay because her leaving will hurt the case.  Some demanded that he just storm out and deal with the fallout tomorrow.  A single quiet voice wondered if there was any truth to what she said.  He told the truth when he told her voicemail he loved her.  He went to her the night that he came back from his father’s funeral because he thought he loved her.  He said it to Habib today.  He loves her and that takes a decision and a commitment.  This is the moment the moment that he has to decide if he loves her enough. 

So he stood up and he went to her office.  He didn’t know what he wanted to say, but he knocked on her door and opened it.  He saw her packing.  He didn’t expect that somehow.  He’s never known her to not do something she said, but he wasn’t prepared to see it.  When she looked up, he saw tears in her eyes and his heart broke.  He can’t do this without her.  His show will go on.  It won’t be the same, but it will go on.  But he can’t do this… life… he can’t do this without her.  And he doesn’t want to. 

Mac had her back to the door when she heard it open.  She had a picture of the senior staff from the Christmas party in her hand.  She didn’t want to give this up.  She wanted to leave on her terms, which in this case meant she got to think of it as a noble act.  It was the best ending, but not what she wanted.  She turned around and saw Will.  As their eyes locked, she could read him again.  He didn’t want her to leave either. 

“I saw Habib today, and he told me that I needed to listen to you.  And I don’t know what to do now.  You said it was a mistake while you didn’t know where we stood.  What about the rest of the time?”

Mac put her head down.  She couldn’t look at him when she said this.  “I hated myself for it.  Every time I saw you I felt ashamed.  I knew I wasn’t good enough for you.  I felt like a fake.  I saw myself as an ugly monster and I waited for you to realize that I wasn’t good enough and you deserved to dump me.  And when I was with him, it felt like what I deserved.”

Will didn’t know what to think.  He planned to bang on Habib’s door first thing in the morning.  “You hated yourself?  How did you not know that you were the most attractive woman I ever met in real life?  Physically, yes, but…”  Will tried to remember that time.  She was living in DC and travelling back and forth to be with him on the weekends.  He remembered watching her week after week look more and more ragged.  He never knew why.  He never put it together.  He never put it together, did he only see what he wanted to see?

She heard his tone more than she heard his words.  She still didn’t want to look at him.  She couldn’t.  For the first time in a long time she could tell that he cared.  That’s all that she could ask for.  “I loved you too Will.  And I didn’t know what to do.  Seeing him killed me and knowing that I was hurting us.  It was all my fault and I didn’t know how to stop it.”

She saw his tears.  He heard her.  She didn’t know what that meant, she was pretty sure that he didn’t either.  But he heard her, and he cared.  And that’s all she could ask for.  If all this ended now, she could feel like she got more than she deserved.

“And now?  Do you know that this Genoa mess isn’t your fault?”  He looked at her and knew her answer.  “It’s not your fault.  It’s just not.  And it’s not your responsibility to fix.”

“Will.”

Will walked to her and put his hands on her shoulders.  “Jerry's going to file the suit soon. Before he files his suit, if we don’t think we can win, then you and I resign.  Can you give me just a few weeks to either fix this or we resign together?”

She looked him in the eye.  She could never deny him anything when she looked in his blue, blue eyes.  So she nodded her head. 

Will squeezed her shoulders and whispered, “Thank you”. 


	8. Reality, Part 1

“God damn it!”

Mac knew that tone of voice.  She could assume that he just heard the news that Rebecca told Charlie and Mac after the show.  Rebecca had exhausted all her legal maneuvering and Dantana’s lawyers will file his suit the day after election day.  For Mac, it was a relief.  Based on the profanities in the office next to hers, Will realized he ran out of time.  He asked Mac to give him a couple weeks to figure out what to do.  After a week he asked for a little more time, he wanted to keep the team together. It was her Achilles Heel.  She wanted nothing more than to keep them together.  He asked her to trust him, and she couldn’t say no.  She didn’t have it in her.  She wanted to trust him, she wanted to believe that they could get out of this stronger than ever.  And his confidence made her believe they could, against her better judgment.

In the first couple weeks after their blowup, she felt like they found their way again.  It was better than before the Genoa broadcast.  Better than before Nina.  They found their rhythm like before, when they were... them.  They implicitly knew that they could trust each other.  They instinctively knew how to help each other.  They worked in perfect synch and it felt so good.  It felt so good to look at him and see him a man who wanted it all to work out.  He fought.  He fought for the team, something she wanted from him almost since the first time she saw him again.  But he fought also to keep _them,_ Will and Mac, together.  He never said it, but it was understood.  She kept the show going, and he kept them together.  Every night he made sure that he walked to her office and talked to her.  They talked about how the show went and what was coming up.  He asked about her family and she told him to call his sister.  He teased her and walked her to meetings with Rebecca or to her cab.  She decided to savor this time with him because it wouldn’t last, and it would hurt like hell when it was over. 

Then a few days ago, he told her that he didn’t think it was going to work.  He had a friend who gave him some advice about a maneuver that he could try, but after digging into some more case law, he couldn’t make the case.  He looked at her with wet eyes and put his arms around her.  He whispered in her ear that he was sorry.  And maybe it was her imagination, or maybe it was their connection, all she knew was that in that moment he felt like he was losing everything important to him.  And what hurt wasn’t losing his show or his staff. 

He loosened his grip on her and looked her in her eyes.  “I wanted to fix this.  I thought I could.  I’m sorry.”  His head began to descend towards her and he planted his lips on hers for a tender kiss.  He held her close again.  “I don’t want this to end.”  After that, he held her for several minutes while she silently cried. Anything that happened after this was just a dénouement.  The climax played out; the hero fell short.  The star-crossed lovers wouldn’t get their happy ending.  None of it was meant to be.  Life would go on. 

The next day, Will came in again and said he was going to take another shot.  She assumed he did, but she didn’t expect it – whatever it was – to work.  Soon after that, he seemed to resign himself to their fate.  This was the end.  He couldn’t look at her anymore, not really.  She assumed he thought he let her down.  She didn’t know how to tell him she never really believed he could fix her mess.  Or that it shouldn’t be his responsibility.  So, they continued in comfortable routine.  They each knew their division of labor.  The team knew what they had to do.  Everyone spent the last week putting shows together almost like they were on autopilot. 

But Mac didn’t know what to make of Will.  He kissed her.  A few months ago, he told her he still loved her.  Or he thought he did.  He wasn’t sure, but that’s short hand for he was, but he talked himself out of it.  He said it on the voicemail.  God damn it, of all the messages not to go through... And how the hell did he not realize that no one answered his messages for, days or weeks or whatever the fuck?  How different would things be if she did hear that message?  Maybe not at all.  He would have talked himself out of it again.  Jim would have still gone on the Romney bus, bringing Jerry in and here they’d be.  Wondering what comes next.  For all of them.  It’s fun to imagine what if, but it doesn’t matter.  It’s over.  It’s all fucking over.  And apparently, even Will understands that.  He was the last holdout.  As long as he worked on it, they had a chance to move past this.  Intact.  It was a longshot, but there was hope.  But when he gave up, the hope is lost.  It’s over. 

Mac looked at the picture on her desk of the senior staff at the Christmas party.  Her and Will resigning keeps the rest of the team together.  They get to continue what she and Will started, what they taught the team.  They will put together shows that she and Will can be proud of.  Jim will become executive producer, a role he’s capable of, but never really set out to get.  Kendra will become the senior, but only because she doesn’t have the experience Jim does in control.  Mac wanted to develop Kendra in control.  Kendra has a passion and instinct that Jim lacks.  While Jim is a calming force in the newsroom.  Kendra would run someone like Will better, whereas Jim would do better with an Elliot.  Jim is a little afraid of Sloane, so he’ll have to rely on Kendra to help.  Kendra will get her chance.  Hell, Jim himself will probably insist on trading jobs with her eventually.  And they will have to hire another person.  Someone she doesn’t know.  She wished that she could just live in the moment captured in this picture.  But life doesn’t stop like that.  They need to grow and she won’t be there to see it.

Her eyes focused on Will who stood at the end of the line.  He was still with Nina when this was taken, so he didn’t allow himself to get too close to Mac.  God, how much has changed since this picture was taken?

No one will bear the brunt of this like Will.  Will lived his life believing his value was wrapped up in how well he could protect the people he loved.  For Will, it meant defeat.  It meant failure.  And her heart broke for him.  She knew since she saw the shot clock how this would end.  Will hasn’t really accepted defeat yet.  He intellectually knows it’s over, but he hasn’t really accepted it.  Mac imagined walking into his apartment again and seeing him covered in blood and bile.  Then she realized that without the pretense of work, they won’t have a reason to talk anymore.  Maybe they can get together for coffee on occasion.  Unofficial reunions with the crew.  But that’s it. 

God damn it, she did everything right this time.  They waited.  They had good reporting.  Reporting that made her proud.  They fucking did everything right.  And now she was going to lose everything.  Her job.  Her team.  She didn’t know why in her head she had a hard time admitting that she didn’t want to lose Will again.  They weren’t together.  No matter what she wanted or thought.  He kissed her.  And she didn’t do anything wrong.  She didn’t.  Not this time.  She followed all the procedures and checks.  She led a team that did some damn good reporting.  She supported Will, demanded he become the leader and man that she knew he was.  She did everything fucking right.

Except the leading questions.  And she didn’t follow her gut.  Or Jim’s gut.  Still, this didn’t seem fair.  They had facts.  They had witnesses.  They followed the evidence.  She did everything right.  There’s nothing else she could do, and now the life she should have won’t be 40 feet away from her anymore, it’ll be several subways stops away.  She won’t produce anything worthwhile anymore; she’ll have to take whatever shit shows she can find.  She won’t do the news; she’ll watch it from afar and cheer on her team.  Hopefully, she won’t be a petty bitch thinking about how much better she could do. 

This isn’t how her life was supposed to work out. 

Mac heard a knock at her door.  She looked up and saw Will who let himself in. 

“I guess you heard?”

“Rebecca told me and Charlie during the last break.”

Will nodded his head.  “How are you doing?”

“I guess it’s a relief.  I’ve been waiting to see when we would have to resign, and now we know.  We should go to Leona tomorrow, first thing.  Then we can talk to the team and get America --”

“What happened to you, Mac?  You used to be the fiercest person I knew.  You wouldn’t just lie down and take this, you’d fight it with everything in you.  And you’d win by sheer force of will.”

“I put a story on the air accusing our military of war crimes.  This isn’t something I can fight with a good conscience.”

Will sounded resigned as he said, “You reported facts as you knew them.  That’s all you did.”

“Wrong facts, Will.  And that matters.”  Mac couldn’t look at Will as the voices in her head started reaching a fevered pitch.  “This is life, Will.  This is real life.  And sometimes life doesn’t work out the way we think it should.  Sometimes the good guys don’t win and sometimes you can do everything fucking right and still get your ass handed to you.  Sometimes forgiveness can’t be earned, and the truth of what happened doesn’t matter.  Sometimes we fuck up just bad enough that we don’t get to live our dreams for more than a pregnant pause in the grand scheme of life.”

Mac stopped, having heard what she said.  She didn’t know if she was talking about him or the show.  It worked for both, so maybe it was intended for both.  She didn’t know and she didn’t care.  All she knew for sure is she did everything right and it still wasn’t enough.

She looked at Will who didn’t know what to say.  She couldn’t read his face.  And all she wanted was for him to reach for her, tell her that they would make it through this, that this too shall pass.  But he stood and he watched her, unblinking, like a robot... that... can blink.  God damn it, why can’t she come up with these any better in her head?  

“What?  No comeback?”

Will looked at her sadly and shook his head.  “Three years ago, you stomped into my office blathering on about Don Quixote and the promise of journalism.  You were the idealist, convincing the realist of what could be.”

“It, wasn’t blathering.  It was well made points --”

Will cut her off.  “Yeah.  It was.  It convinced me.  It got me to do the show I should have been doing and being the man I should have been being.”

“Been being, Will?”

“I got stuck in my sentence construct.  The point is --”

“The point is you want to go back to what we were.  You want to live in a world where somebody will always challenge you to be the man you were created to be and where you’re with a person who can live up to your infallible ideal.  But no one can do that, Will.  No one is perfect.”

Will took a deep breath.  “The point is... I don’t want this to end.  I don’t want to just grab a coffee with you every other Tuesday while we talk about the gossip we heard from Sloane.”

“Tuesday?”

“You like to sleep in on the weekend, and I’m not a big fan of Mondays.”  Will looked at Mac and watched her smile.  “You don’t do that much anymore.”

“Do what?”

“Smile, laugh.”  Will considered what to say next.  “I’m sorry I couldn’t save us, Mac.  Walking out that door will be the hardest thing I ever do.”

Mac saw Will’s hand moving across the desk towards her.  She decided to move hers to meet it.  “It’s going to be one of the hardest days of my life too.”

Will twined their fingers together.  “One of.  Not the worst.”

Mac shook her head.  It felt like hours that they stood there, just like that.  Mac assumed that they both thought about their first relationship and why it hurt so much when it ended.  Finally, Mac asked a risky question, but she had to know.  “Is there any chance, Will?  For us?”  Mac felt it immediately when Will’s hand withdrew from hers.  “You told my voicemail you loved me.  You came back from your father’s funeral, wanting me.  You kissed me.  Will, that has to mean something.”

The spell had been broken and now she felt naked and vulnerable as Will moved away from her and looked anywhere except at her.  “I loved you Mac.  And there are moments, more than moments.  Times that I look at you and I think.  And then I remember what it was like that day.”  Mac felt tears welling up in her eyes.  “I’m sorry,” he whispered as he left her office. 


	9. Reality, Part 2

Will sat in his car and smiled.  He kissed her.  He didn’t mean to, he just... did it.  Like he was in a Billy Joel song.  And it felt like coming home.  For a moment, for a moment everything felt right.  For just a moment, he felt like he could do anything.  God, he loved her.  And he wanted to go back in time, before Brian had become an issue in his life.  When Brian’s only power was in the past.  He was an ex-boyfriend that hurt Mackenzie and allowed Will to look superior in comparison. 

Will chuckled at the idea that he has a damn near eidetic memory and he has no recollection of what happened before or after the kiss.  He just knew that he initiated it and it felt so right having her in his arms, giving and receiving comfort.  It felt good.  That connection with another person, the only person who can understand any of this.  He didn’t have the connection with Nina, that’s why it would never have worked.  He didn’t have that connection with any of his dates in the last several years, that’s why he never saw them in daylight hours.  It had always been and will probably always be Mackenzie. 

And that’s why he has to try again.  That’s why he’s got to find another way.  Some other way to fight, to clear their names, to keep them together.  He can’t lose her, not again.  She keeps telling him that the staff will make it out okay, and he’s sure they will.  But he doesn’t actually care.  He may care a little, he likes them.  Even Martin.  But he can’t imagine going back to a life where he doesn’t have Mackenzie running him.  Where he doesn’t see Mackenzie almost every day.  Where he has to make up reasons to call Mac because he wants that connection and he doesn’t know how to get it. 

There’s got to be something else he can try.  The law is full of loopholes, if he can just find one.  If they can just do... something.  Tell a story or not tell a story and be right about it.  The attention span of Americans in general is short enough that they can get the audience back.  As long as they can get sources again.  Maybe he’s been thinking about this all wrong.  This isn’t a legal issue, it’s a PR issue.  Maybe a long conversation with Reese and his publicist, they can generate ideas.  They can find a way around this.  Run ads of his good reporting on non-news stations and see if they can paint him as the Walter Cronkite on the current age.  Maybe he can do it.  He’ll set up a meeting first thing tomorrow and see what they can do. 

************

Will walked into the bullpen the next morning, smiling.  Maggie commented on it while he walked to Mac’s office to tell her that he had a new idea and he thought they could get through this.  He needed her to know that he would save them.  He couldn’t lose her.  Not again.  He didn’t tell her that, but he assumed she knew.  He told her that he might be late for the rundown, but he trusted her.  And then he left.  He knew she wanted to talk about the kiss, but he couldn’t.  Not until he fixed this.  Not until he knew that he would keep them together.  And so he went to Reese’s office. 

When he walked in, Will’s publicist was already there and Reese didn’t look happy.  Will told them that he wanted to find a way to boost his image by reminding people why they trusted him in the first place.  He had a list of his best moments as a journalist.  He was there for 9/11, he went to New Orleans after Katrina.  He was the first to report accurately about Deep Water Horizon, he never said that Gabby Giffords was dead.  Reese cut him off. 

“You called the Tea Party the American Taliban.  You lost your primary demographic, the people who watched all those moments with you when you decided to join the MSNBCs and Huffington Posts of the journalistic world.  This new audience that you brought in didn’t see and doesn’t care about your greatest hits.  They only know that you accused the American government of a war crime and were wrong.”

“Julie, what do you think?  Isn’t this a PR issue and not a legal one?  Except what I did wrong, I did everything right.  That has to mean something.  Can’t we find a way to make that mean something?  Can’t we turn this around by turning around people’s opinion of me?  I can do the talk show circuit.”

Reese laughed.  “After that shitshow you did on ACN Morning?  Or even the Northwestern fracas?  Do you think we’re ever going to let you go out unscripted?  You’re a risk!”

“Not when I’m fighting for my life.  And that’s what I’m doing.”

“Is it now?  Because it seems to me that Dantana’s suit puts Mackenzie in the driver’s seat of all this and you won’t fire her.  And with your history with her, it makes you look at best weak and at worst in cahoots with her.”

Will felt anger welling up in his stomach.  “I’m not firing Mackenzie.  She will not be a scapegoat for me.”

Reese looked at the other person in the room.  “Julie, what does your research say would happen if he fired his executive producer?”  He turned back to Will.  “I didn’t ask her before, so she may side with you, but I’m curious.”

Sheepishly, Julie said, “It might not make any difference, she doesn’t have a recognizable face.  But there have been enough Page 6 stories about you and her that we could spin it as you wanting to protect her until you saw how badly she truly fucked up.  Fairmindedness like that might let some people warm up to you again.”

Will sat silent for a couple seconds, thinking.  “What about commercials about my greatest moments and non-news stations.  Remind people --”

Reese answered, “No one cares, Will.  You fucked this up.  The republicans don’t trust you because you turned on them when she came in.  The democrats don’t trust you because they expect you to flip back.  And nobody gives a fuck about the people in the middle because they know both sides are full of shit.”

Will tried to digest it.  It was too easy an answer.  He pays people like Julie to figure out things like, “make a bunch of positive commercials”.  He needed to figure out another direction.  He can’t let it end like this. 

“She’s been nothing but bad news since the day she walked in.  The longer you wait to fire her, the more damaged your reputation is.”

Will stood up and walked out.  He’d figure this out.  He had to figure this out.  He wasn’t going to let this end this way.  He will figure this out. 

***********

An email.  He learned his fate via email.  There were no other legal options.  Charlie asked Rebecca to do whatever she could to let Will lead election night coverage.  Charlie wanted his A team in, even if no one watched.  Giving the coverage to Elliot and Sloane with Don and Jim running control and everyone else outside their usual assignments could cause a bigger disaster. 

Of course, Mac disagreed.  She believed in her people.  She knew that they would rise to the occasion and deliver perfect coverage.  Will was about to give his deciding vote, when Rebecca reminded them that it was her legal maneuvering that was important and she would see what she could do.  The day after election night was what Rebecca could do.  The day the suit gets filed everyone will know everything that happened behind the scenes of _News Night._ Will ran out of time. 

“God damn it!”  He let everyone down.  He can’t fix this.  And he doesn’t know what to do next.  For over a month he’s tried to figure out what comes next and he hasn’t come up with any ideas.  But right now, he has to talk to Mac.  He doesn’t know what to say, but is sure she’ll know.  She always knows.  They have that connection.  She won’t judge him for his failure. 

Forty feet.  It’s only forty feet between their desks.  Just a few steps that will turn into miles soon.  He tapped on her door to let her know he’s there.  He didn’t have to of course, they don’t always, they have an open-door policy with each other.  Or maybe he’s just not always as considerate as he should be. 

He walked in and saw her sitting at her computer, glasses on her nose.  Looking a little annoyed that he interrupted her.  That’s never bothered him before, it won’t now.  “I guess you heard.”

Will watched Mac’s head bob up and down.  “Rebecca told me and Charlie during the last break.” 

He wanted to ask why Mac didn’t tell him, prepare him for an email, but that didn’t seem important.  She’d taken this so much harder than everyone else.  That’s what he needed to know.  He wanted to know how she took this news.  He wanted to comfort her, remind her it’s not her fault.  That’s his objective in coming here.  “How are you doing?”

“I guess it’s a relief.  I’ve been waiting to see when we would have to resign, and now we know.  We should go to Leona tomorrow, first thing.  Then we can talk to the team and get America --”

He shouldn’t be surprised.  She’s wanted to resign, or so she’s said, for weeks.  She stopped fighting... she never fought this, did she?  She resigned herself to this.  She fights for everything.  She came back into his life saying she wanted to save his soul as well as his show.  This isn’t a woman who rolls over and plays dead.  That’s the woman he wants fighting next to him.  She fought for him before.  The day she left, she fought him, she wanted him to listen to her.  It was only after she saw him struggling to not go down the same path as his father that she left.  It wasn’t fear, she knew he would never forgive himself.  Even as she walked away, she fought for him.  He missed that woman, the woman who would fight for him, would fight for them. 

“What happened to you Mac?  You used to be the fiercest person I know.  You wouldn’t just lie down and take this, you would fight it with everything you have.  And you’d win by sheer force of will.”

He felt like he was begging her to be the woman who would fight for him.  For them.  He didn’t like this beaten down version of her.  Beaten down.  Did he do that?  Not recently, but, did he contribute to it?  She always fought for him, but this time she’s not fighting for anything she cares about.  Not him, not her team, not the show.  She’s just beaten down. 

“I put a story on the air accusing our military of war crimes.  This isn’t something I can fight with a good conscience.”

He didn’t know how else to say this than how he has since she fired Jerry.  It wasn’t her fault.  Maybe if she understood that, understood that she did everything right, then maybe she would get some of her passion back.  “You reported the facts as you knew them.  That’s all you did.”

“Wrong facts, Will.  That’s all that matters.”  Will watched as she closed her laptop.  She geared up to set him straight.  A little bit of that fire he misses, unfortunately it’s directed at him.  “This is life, Will.  This is real life.  And sometimes life doesn’t work out the way we think it should.  Sometimes the good guys don’t win and sometimes you can do everything fucking right and still get your ass handed to you.  Sometimes forgiveness can’t be earned, and the truth of what happened doesn’t matter.  Sometimes we fuck up just bad enough that we don’t get to live our dreams for more than a pregnant pause in the grand scheme of life.”

Every word of that hit him like a bullet in the heart.  Because she’s right.  Things are truly fucked up beyond all reason.  He can’t disagree with her.  This is what life handed them.  Some of it came from Jerry Dantana and their objective to tell the news even when they didn’t like the story.  But the personal part …  He wished he could blame Brian.  Brian seduced her.  She went to him, she chose to go to him.  It’s not just a get over it situation. 

“What?  No comeback?”

He looked at her.  He knew that he loved her.  He just didn’t know if he could forgive her.  He didn’t know if he could move past that part with her.  He wanted to.  He wanted to believe in her the way that she believed in him because he knew who she was capable of being.  He knew that she was a fighter and, if he was honest with himself, he knew that she didn’t need him.  He couldn’t give her what she wants.  No matter how much he wanted to.  But he could give her this.

“Three years ago, you stomped into my office blathering on about Don Quixote and the promise of journalism.  You were the idealist, convincing the realist of what could be.”

“It, wasn’t blathering.  It was well made points --”

Will cut her off.  “Yeah.  It was.  It convinced me.  It got me to do the show I should have been doing and being the man I should have been being.”  Will chuckled internally at that.

“Been being, Will?”

Even when she wasn’t trying, she could disarm with a look or a few words.  He didn’t want this to end.  But he didn’t want her to hurt, either.  “I got stuck in my sentence structure.”  He gave himself a moment to smile before moving forward.  “My point is --”

“The point is you want to go back to what we were.  You want to live in a world where somebody will always challenge you to be the man you were created to be and where you’re with a person who can live up to your infallible ideal.  But no one can do that, Will.  No one is perfect.” 

He wanted to fight her.  Expecting her to not sleep with her ex-boyfriend is very different from expecting her to be perfect.  But if this was their last conversation like this, it didn’t matter.  He took a deep breath, trying to keep his emotions under control.  “The point is, Mac... I don’t want this to end.  I don’t want to grab coffee with you every other Tuesday and talk about the gossip we heard from Sloane.”

“Tuesday?”

Why wasn’t she taking this seriously?  “You like to sleep in on the weekend and I’m not a fan of Mondays.”  He looked at her, annoyed.  She should be taking this as seriously as he is.  He saw her smile and he got it.  She was having as hard a time with this as he was and she was trying to make it tolerable.  God, he missed laughing with her.  He wanted to reach out to her again and hold her.  But he didn’t know what would happen with even the slightest contact.  “You don’t do that much anymore.”

She looked confused, her whole face flinched with it.  He thought it was the most adorable thing he’d ever seen.  “Do what?”

“Smile, laugh.”  He felt vulnerable, but it was ok.  He was with Mac and she knew him.  And that meant more to him than anything in the world.  God, why can’t he just forgive her?  “I’m sorry I couldn’t save us, Mac.  Walking out that door is the hardest thing I will ever have to do.”

He felt her hand touch his and he hesitated, not wanting to tempt himself with something that would feel so right.  “It’s going to be one of the worst days of my life too.”

Will never could fight off how she pulled him to her.  Tonight would be no different.  He moved his hand to twine their fingers and feel as much of her and he could with this fucking desk between them.  He looked at her, sure that the change was welcome.  She needed that contact as much as he did.  He also remembered how it ended the last time.  How cold he was.  He remembered a few weeks ago when she said she hated herself for what she did.  He could see how much it still hurt to think about.  “One of, but not the worst.”  He watched her shake her head.  She still hurt as much as he did.  He wanted to ask questions, find a way to forgive her.  Hear her say something that would make it okay.  But he saw her regret and he knew she wouldn’t lie to him.  And he knew that letting anything else happen tonight would be tantamount to making a promise for the future that he can’t keep. So he stood there like a stunned beast, holding her hand because it was all he could do, it was all the comfort that he could give her. 

He wasn’t ready for it when she broke the silence.  “Is there any chance Will?  For us?”

Why did she have to ask?  To push.  Why couldn’t they live in that moment just a little while longer?  He took his hand away and he immediately felt the loss of connection.  It felt cold and the loss felt profound. 

“You told my voicemail you loved me.  You came back from your father’s funeral, wanting me.  You kissed me.  Will, that has to mean something.”

Will didn’t know what to do except tell the truth.  And as the answer formed in his head, he knew the only person it would hurt more than him, was her.  And God damn it, he didn’t want to hurt her.  Not now, not ever.  But he didn’t know how else to answer her.  “I loved you Mac.  And there are moments, more than moments.  Times that I look at you and I think...  And then I remember what it was like that day.”  He saw the tears well up in her eyes and he wanted nothing more than to kiss them away, but he couldn’t.  He couldn’t.  “I’m sorry.”

Will felt ashamed as he walked out her door.  In the last few minutes, he truly lost everything that was ever important to him.  Again.  Habib told him he had to decide if he could love Mac like he’d watched her love him since she came back.  This was the moment he made his choice.  But it seemed weird.  Usually when he makes a decision, he feels relieved.  He didn’t feel relieved.  He felt sick.  No one was more hurt or surprised by Will’s admission than Will himself. 

He called Charlie and said he and Mac would resign tomorrow to give the reconfigured staff a chance to get their feet beneath them before election night.  Charlie refused the idea, saying they’ll be as green in two weeks as they are tomorrow.  When Will fought him, Charlie said the three of them can talk in the morning.  Charlie made it clear that he would not accept Will’s resignation and that his resignation would not make it to Leona’s desk.  Mac looked at Will and said that he can still accept hers.  Will told her that he can’t, he can only fire her, on a Friday and he has no reason to because he doesn’t think she did anything wrong.  Besides, they needed to lead coverage.  He felt like a coward.  He wouldn’t give her the relief she wanted because he didn’t want to let her leave.  But Charlie agreed and assured them that they would turn in their resignations the night before election night, do the coverage and then turn things over.  Will hated seeing Mac look so defeated.  But it meant that he still got to work with her.  Just a little longer. 


	10. Charlie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know things are slowing down here, but I promise that I will finish this one.

Charlie hung up the phone and shook his head.  He didn’t know what happened, but he could read Will well enough to know when something was wrong.  And Will sounded defeated in a way Charlie never heard before.  Usually when Will faces a setback, he tells anyone who will listen how great everything, and especially himself, is.  Charlie chuckled at the memory of Will declaring, “I’m AFFABLE, God damn it!” in one such moment.  The God damn it was inferred.  But still. 

Something happened.  And it had to be Mac.  Will has fought Mac tooth and nail since this story imploded.  He exonerated her of all responsibility, stating the obvious fact that Dantana and Dantana alone cut raw footage.  Rebecca can make the argument that Valenzuela’s testimony was the turning point, but the fact is without any one piece of information, they would not have gone.  Charlie knows beyond all doubt that he would not have greenlit the story without Stomtonovich because of his rank.  They needed Valenzuela and backed up the fantastical story that Sweeney told, while Sweeney was relatable in a different way than Valenzuela.  Charlie knew that the rest, Shep’s manifest and the Twitter were circumstantial evidence that only meant anything with the rest of the context they uncovered.  But the absence of any one piece and the story wouldn’t have run.  If Rebecca could argue that, then they win the case.  Which is kind of like winning the battle, but not the war.  A financial payout wouldn’t sink Leona’s company, the bad press would kill what the network worked so hard to do.   

The argument made sense to him, but apparently not to Will or Rebecca.  Although Will isn’t exactly a bystander in this. He’s right in the middle.  If Will had a lawyer hat on, he could look at this with cold, hard facts.  But instead Will sees his friends after their Rebecca-led grilling.  He knows how this works better than the rest of them.  That’s why Will stays outside Mac’s meetings with Rebecca.  He knows what Rebecca has to put Mac though and while Will understands it, he hates that she has to go through it.  Because whether Will realizes it or not, he’s still in love with her.  He always has been.  But the only way Will knows to show his love is to try to protect her.  And since he can’t do that, he does what he can, he tries to keep her going.  Tries to convince her that they can get through and they can win.  That they, the team or the couple, Will probably says the team when he means the other, will make it through.  Over the last few weeks, Will convinced himself. 

But now Will gave up.  And it gutted the anchor.  And unless Charlie missed his guess, it hurt her as well.  Because one of them can’t hurt without the other feeling it too.  One is usually better at hiding it, or tries to be, but they have a connection where their feelings are mirrored by each other. 

Charlie wanted to call Mac and find out how she is, but he had to be careful.  She’s the one that’s pushed to resign quickly.  She somehow convinced Will.  He knows it would be best for her, a clean break, but he also knows that it would be the worst thing for the network and he still had to think about its best interest.  A drawn-out court battle that ends with a judge agreeing that they did nothing wrong will help them down the road.  Will and Mac leaving makes it look like they’re guilty. He doesn’t want that. 

Charlie’s caught between his loyalty to his job and his loyalty to his friends.  Mac needs to leave.  She’s hurting too much and everyone knows it.  The company needs her to stay so they don’t look like they think they did something wrong.  For a minute he wishes he could be like one of those bosses who doesn’t care about his employees.  But he isn’t, and he’s probably a better man for it. 

“Charlie, honey.  Are you coming back to bed?”

Nancy.  Charlie had no idea how he would get through any of this without his wife by his side.  He wished the same for Will and for Mac.  Will gave up.  Mac must have finally convinced him.  Will would fight for this with his dying breath on Mac’s say so.  He hadn’t listened to her cries for mercy yet.  So something happened and he wanted to make sure Mac was okay.  Or as okay as she can be.   

“I’ll be there in a minute.  I need to make a phone call.”  Charlie picked up his phone again and heard his wife’s footsteps coming towards him.  When she came into view, he said, “Go back to sleep.  I just have to take care of something.”

Ignoring him, Nancy walked to the stove and put on some water.  “You just finished talking to Will and now you’re about to talk to Mac.  You’re not going back to sleep tonight.  I don’t know how you don’t know that yet, but you haven’t figured out the pattern.”  Charlie laughed.  “It was a mistake, Charlie.  I know you know that. You just have to convince the rest of them.”

“I don’t know, Nance.  This—”

“Got caught fast enough that no one lost their job or their life.  You retracted the minute you found out you were wrong.  That means something.”

Charlie shook his head.  He knew that she had the right facts, but… they shouldn’t have made the mistake in the first place.  The story never felt right and he should have stuck with his gut.  He wanted to say that, but he had something else on his mind.  “It’s not just that.  Will wants to resign tomorrow.”

“So he’s finally given up.  You knew that would happen eventually too.  What’s going on sweetheart?”

“I don’t know, yet.  I don’t know what’s happening yet.  I think something happened between he and Mac.”  Charlie put his arms around his wife.  “I wish they knew how much having someone to come home to means.  That Will would just get his shit together.”

“It matters what you believe.”

“What?”

“I had a history professor who said, ‘it matters what you believe.  You act on your beliefs.  Actions have consequences.  And it matters to have been wrong.’  Will believes he’s incapable of forgiving her.  He believes he’s not worthy of having a life of love and happiness.  And until he believes something different, he will continue to act on that.”

Charlie put his head down, resting it on Nancy’s shoulder.  “And Mac has to bear the brunt of it until he believes different.”

Nancy put her hands on Charlie’s cheeks and lifted his face to look at him.  “There’s nothing you can do for them tonight Charlie.  Come back to bed, try to get a few hours of sleep.  Tomorrow you can talk to them.”

Charlie looked at her sadly, “I can’t.  They’re not just my employees, they’re my friends.  And I’m just as guilty as either of them.”

“Nobody’s guilty, Charlie.  You followed the evidence and reported it.  It’s no one fault.”

“Except Shep Pressman and Jerry Dantana.  I know.”  Charlie kissed his wife on the forehead.  “Go back to bed.  I just want to check on Mac and let her know she’s not alone and then I’ll be right there.”

Nancy put her hands up in surrender and turned to walk out of the kitchen.  “Can you ask her to lunch with me on Saturday?  It’s been too long.”

“I’ll ask her.”  As his wife walked out of the kitchen, he added a quick thank you before calling Mac.

He heard Mac’s voice and recognized the sadness that he heard in Will’s.  “Hey, kid.  I just talked to Will.  He said he agreed with you, that we should resign tomorrow.  But I told him no.”

“Don’t say it, Charlie.  Even Will understands that Rebecca can’t win this one.  And it’s not fair to not give the staff every advantage.  They will step up, I know them, God damn it.  I don’t know much, but I know _them_.”

It killed Charlie to hear her so defeated.  “What did Will do?”

“It’s not Will.  We put a fucking lie on TV.  And even after we retracted there’s some idiots out there who still believe it.”

“There’s always assholes out there that will believe anything.”

“Yeah, and we gave them an hour long special to base their beliefs on.  _We_ did that Charlie.  Now we need to do the honorable thing and just resign and get it over with.  We lost and we deserved to lose.  Why is that so hard to accept?”

Nancy was right.  There was nothing he could do for Mackenzie right now.  And Will was probably at home self-medicating.  He wished that the two of them would just fucking find a way to go through this together.  They shouldn’t be alone.  “Because we’re too good at what we do.”  Charlie waited for a response.  When he thought it wouldn’t come, he started to say something, but was cut off. 

“Obviously we aren’t.”

Charlie knew he only had one more chance, but he also knew how it would work out.  “Mac, is there anything I can do for you?”

“Let me resign, Charlie.  I don’t want to go to work anymore.”

“I’m not letting you go back to bowling.”  Charlie laughed at the joke and hoped she did too.”

“Maybe, I’ll try pool.  I bet I could get good at that.”

“Mac, you’re not alone.  And Nancy wants to take you to lunch on Saturday.”

“Thanks Charlie.”

Charlie heard her hang up the phone.  His heart broke and he felt more convinced than ever that marrying Nancy was the best choice he ever made. 

Charlie went to the office early the next day.  He wanted to think through what to say to Will and Mac, individually and together.  He would be willing to bet that Mac came in early.  That’s how she deals with the shit in her life, she tries to prove to everyone how capable she is.  Will on the other hand just acts like an even bigger, more belligerent ass and blames everything on anyone in his line of sight. 

Charlie walked past Millie’s desk and she told him that Mac wanted him to call as soon as he came in.  Charlie smiled at himself and asked if they could keep his presence a secret for a few minutes.  Millie agreed and Charlie walked into his office and looked outside his window.  Give Dantana a boatload of money, end the case, give ACN a chance to recover.  Fight it, get dragged through the mud, win, and no one cares.  Dantana wins the PR battle and no one can challenge that.  He couldn’t imagine a universe in which they lost the court case, no matter what Rebecca or Will said.  Let Will and Mac resign, Dantana still gets a settlement and ACN recovers a little sooner than having them on staff, but it means saying they were wrong when they weren’t.  Charlie didn’t like any of the options. 

Charlie has to talk to them individually and then together.  buzzed Millie and asked her to send Mac in.  Mac walked into his office seemingly seconds later.  Charlie sat, hopefully looking relaxed behind his desk while she paced.  “Charlie, we said we were a team, that we would face this together.  But now even Will agrees that we need to cut our losses.  We can’t win.  They’ve got institutionalized… whatever the fuck! And I can’t do this, Charlie.  I can’t do this anymore.  I can’t –”  Charlie could barely stand watching Mac, looking like a wounded animal.  Whatever happened, it hurt her more deeply than she would ever admit.  After she composed herself, she looked at him with more vulnerability than he thought he’s ever seen from her.  “Charlie, I can’t keep doing this.  I just can’t.”

If Charlie were Will, Charlie would fight each statement one by one.  They did say they were a team in this, but they also said they would see it through.  Will only agrees with her because he doesn’t want to hurt her anymore.  The look on her face is the only evidence he needs of that.  They can win.  They can present their case and anyone who saw her the way he sees her now would believe them.  They know what they did and that they did everything right.  And as for the institutional whatever the fuck, there were mistakes, but they did everything right.  And she is the strongest woman, and person, that Charlie knows.  If it’s just the case, she can handle it.  And that’s the problem.  It’s not just the case.  It’s that the life she wants works 30 feet from her. 

 “Do you know why I went to a bowling alley one day two and a half years ago?”

“It depends on what point you’re trying to make.  Sometimes you did it because you knew that he needed me.  Sometimes you did it to bring honor back to journalism.”

Charlie laughed.  “I’ve told you that story a few times I guess.  Do you know what Will said after your first broadcast?” 

“He probably complained that I didn’t think about all the things you’re paid to think about.”

“Yep.  That’s exactly what he did.  And then I gave him a rousing speech about why we do the news.  And then I said that we did the news well because we just decided to.”

“I know Charlie.  There is nothing I want more than to do the news…”

“With him?”

Charlie saw the answer on her face, no matter what she said next.  “With all of them.  Charlie, I want to do the news with all of them.  But we fucked up.  And no matter what we do, we can’t fix it.  We broke one of God’s laws.  We can’t put this back together.  I can’t put any of this shit back together.  The best I can do is let the rest of them try to rebuild.”

Charlie didn’t think about what he would say, he just heard the words spill out of his mouth.  “He’s been fighting for you, Mac.  He’s just as stubborn as you, he won’t say it either, but it’s just as true.  He wants you.”

Mac’s face fell, even more than it had.  “No, he doesn’t.  He made that abundantly clear.”  

Charlie didn’t know how to respond, he just wondered even more what happened between them last night.  When he looked back up, Mac had already left. 

Will ambled into Charlie’s office a couple hours later and sat down opposite Charlie.  “William Duncan McAvoy!”

“Oh no.”

Charlie looked at his protégé a little confused.  “Oh no?”

“I came here instead of going to my office because I didn’t want to go there without knowing that we are on the same side.”

“I’m always on your side, I just don’t think you’re right this time and I won’t let you resign.”

“Charlie we can’t win.  I looked at the case law myself.  I know the criteria.  There’s no PR play that we can make. It’s over Charlie.  Institutional failure.”

“Did you know you’re the only one of us that can actually remember what it’s called.”

“Institutional failure?  It’s not that hard to remember.”

Charlie shrugged his shoulders.  “I’m sorry to tell you kid, but I cannot accept your resignation, so you will have to go down and face Mackenzie who will also remain gainfully employed.”  Charlie stopped to see how Will reacted.  Will couldn’t hide his feelings from the older man, especially when he heard her name.  “So, do you want to tell me what you did to her before you go down there, or are you going to make me wait until Sloane finds out?”

Still no smile from Will. 

“Have I ever told you the story of the kid who ate paper?  His parents kept taking him to doctor after doctor, but no one could get him to stop eating paper.”

Will rolled his eyes.  “Until one day a doctor told the kid that if he stops eating paper, his parents will stop taking him to doctors.”

Charlie was surprised.  “I told you that?”

“Someone else did and I still don’t know what the fuck it means.”  Will looked at his boss and said, “Did the _Times_ run it recently or something?”

“Of course not.  It was in the _Post_.”  Charlie looked seriously at Will.  “You’ve been doing a good job of keeping her going.  She needs you Will.”

“I don’t think she does anymore.”

“Two weeks Will.  Do whatever you need to do to keep her going for two weeks.  If nothing changes, we’ll resign the night before election night, effective the next day.  Can you trust me on this, son?”

Will reluctantly nodded his head.

“Thank you.  I’m going to call Mackenzie up here and we’re going to talk.”

The meeting between Will, Mac and Charlie had to wait until after the first run down meeting, a meeting that Will missed by making excuses to stay in Charlie’s office.  Charlie recognized that Will hadn’t hid in Charlie’s office in a long time, but didn’t say anything.  When Mac arrived, she looked at the two of them with anger etched all over her face, after a moment she looked directly at Will and said, “you changed your mind didn’t you?”

Charlie watched as a panic crossed Will’s face and then he calmed down and said, “Charlie’s right, Mac.”

“God damn it, he isn’t.  And you aren’t either.”

“I wish I could take it back.”  Will put his head down and looked back at her.  “He’s right Mac.  It wouldn’t be fair to them.  We can’t resign now.”

Mac looked at Charlie.  “He can’t resign, but I can.”

“Nope, you can’t either.  He can only fire you, on Fridays.  If you resign, ithas to go through legal and I will make sure that it gets held up.”

“Fine.  Then I guess I have a show to produce.  Will, I’ll email you the stories as soon as I get to my office.  You are of course welcome at our meetings, but I want to make sure you know your attendance is not required.”

Mac stormed out of Charlie’s office with the men staring at her.  After the door closed, Will mumbled, “two weeks.  It’s just two weeks.”


	11. Election Night Eve -- Part 1

Two weeks went by and Mac realized how far she and Will had come over the last three years.  When she left Will’s apartment after telling him about Brian, she felt an emptiness in the pit of her stomach.  She remembered feeling a physical hurt while she hailed a cab.  She only walked out because she knew if he lost control, he would never forgive himself.  But the pain she felt that day couldn’t have been worse if he did punch her. 

When she came back from Afghanistan, she thought she never felt as alone as she did then.  She didn’t have a job.  She didn’t have prospects.  Her family lived at all corners of the world.  Her friends had their lives and careers.  And she lived in the same city, just a few subway stops away from her old life.  The loneliness felt like a weight on her.  Taking a job with Charlie, she didn’t have any romantic notions that Will would fall for her all over again, she only hoped for a human connection with someone, anyone on the staff.  A staff that she could pour into.  A show that would live out her philosophy of news. 

And then she saw him.  Not the bland pretty face who tried to say the least controversial things at Northwestern, but the passionate man she squared off against in the bullpen.  She looked in those magnetic blue eyes and she didn’t have a chance.  She wanted it all again, and regretted her mistakes every moment that she spent just 40 feet from the life she wanted.  With time, that ache dulled.  They became friends.  She had that human connection she wanted with the staff and with him.  She had influence over him.  She watched him become the leader, the integrity and the moral compass of the show.  They became partners, putting together a show that hit every objective of journalism that she set out.  Every one of her dreams came true. 

And then she met Jerry Dantana.  And Jerry Dantana brought in Cyrus West.  And Cyrus West led them to Eric Sweeney.  And on and on and on.  She’s repeated the string of events more times than she can count.  It’s become a mantra in the office.  Everyone can tell the story in numbered steps.  She swears she does it in her sleep.  Those few times she finds sleep.  Between the case, the election, and, though she hates to admit it, the Will stuff, she doesn’t sleep much.  She knows she should take some medication.  But doing it would cut into the time she sets aside to figure out how things got so out of hand. 

But tonight it ends.  All of it.  Charlie called her and Will into his office earlier today and he said they will resign tonight after the show.  He said he’d call Leona and he and Will would resign, effective the day after the election.  Mac said she was the one who should resign, and Charlie calmly told her that if she wanted to join their party, she could.  She didn’t have to, the team would still need someone to lead them.  She surprised no one when she said she would resign as well. 

During the meeting, Mac noticed that Will kept staring at her.  For two weeks the two had barely occupied the same room and she had trouble reading him.  She didn’t even know what information to give him during the show several times.  Their conversations didn’t stray much from counting to the end of a break.  She didn’t know when it happened, but sometime last week she realized that Jim saved her from telling him to give things to Will by going unprompted.  And that arrangement continued through today, and she assumed will occur again tomorrow. 

Two weeks ago Charlie sat them down in his office and the men ganged up on her, telling her that she couldn’t resign and Will wouldn’t fire her.  That day, Charlie made a business decision.  She couldn’t hate him for that.  He’s got his orders to not let either of them go.  They have to fight as a united front.  She understands that, but she hates it, because she’s known for months that they won’t win, so all this shit just extended the torture of knowing how close she came to having the life she actually wants. 

For months she’s hated this waiting.  Sitting in her office alone, waiting for Charlie to call them to come to his office so they can finally resign didn’t feel like the light at the end of the tunnel, just another level of tunnel to make it through.  Mac wondered what Will was thinking.  She imagined him sitting in the studio like he did the night he retracted Genoa.  He stared off in the middle distance.  She wished she knew what he thought.  It seemed so strange to her.  Mackenzie met Will after Hurricane Katrina made landfall and ever since she and Will have just had a connection that she doesn’t understand, and until now, never questioned.  And she misses that.  She will miss it even more after tomorrow’s broadcast.  Maybe it came from the EP/anchor relationship.  To do her job, she has to anticipate his thoughts, know the answers to the questions he can’t ask while he’s on the air.  But she always thought they had more than that.  Even in the last three years she thought they had something.  She never gave up hope.  She wanted to, but she didn’t.  Because in her heart she believed that he still loved her.  But two weeks ago, he told her the truth.  “I loved you Mac.  And there are moments, more than moments.  Times that I look at you and I think...  And then I remember what it was like that day.” 

She wanted to respect him for it.  He finally told her in no uncertain terms that she read him right, that he did… she can’t even think the words.  She always thought if he could give her that much, respect, friendship, longing, the components of love, then even without being able to commit again, that she could live with it.  But she can’t.  There are moments and times that he thinks about her like that again.  He wants it again.  But he can’t forgive her.  He can’t move on.  Her love for him isn’t enough for both of them.  And while she knows it’s not right, she wonders if she’s enough in any aspect of her life?  If there’s anything she has touched that hasn’t seen a magnificent end.  She’s sure that someone could come up with an example of something if she asked, but right now, it just all feels like failure.  And that’s what she can’t live with. 

At this realization, Mac wiped her eyes and, in the process, saw Will’s silhouette standing in her doorway.  Damn, she wasn’t even smart enough to close the door. 

She used the tissue in her hand to blow her nose and either Will bought it or he decided not to say anything, he stood watching her.  Finally she broke the silence.  “Is it time to go?”

Will looked down at his watch, she tried to read his face, his gestures, anything.  God damn it!  She could read him the day she came back and he didn’t even resemble the man she left. 

Will tried to say something, then shook his head.  “I, uh, I thought we should go to Charlie’s office first.”

“Why, you think he changed his mind?”

Will shook his head.  “No.  I just.  She’s not going to like this.  Us giving up.  Rebecca –”

Will’s voice trailed.  He never did that.  He always knew exactly what he wanted to say.  She only saw him without his trademark arrogance when someone flustered him.  He didn’t act like flustered. She couldn’t put her finger on what he seemed like instead.  Finally, he just looked at her and said, “Come on.”

Mac didn’t have any reason to challenge him, so she got up and walked with him to the elevator.  They stood in awkward silence all the way up to Charlie’s office.  When the doors opened, Mac exited the elevator first and he followed.  Since Millie’s day ended several hours ago, Will held the door open to the outer office for Mac.  Mac walked to Charlie’s door, but before she could knock, Will stopped her.  “Mac, can we, can we talk?  Just for a second?”

Mac didn’t know what to expect, so she sat down in one of the chairs in the room.  Will took a chair near her and stared at her for a few seconds.  “Mac, I,” he started.  She could tell that he didn’t know exactly how to say whatever he wanted to get off his chest, but he wanted to find the right words.  She decided that she could give him some time, even though she wanted to make a comment to him. 

Will looked at her in the eye.  And tried again.  “Mac, I just want you to know –”

At that moment Charlie’s office door opened and the two immediately sat up ramrod straight.

Charlie looked at them curiously, but said, “You don’t have to look like a couple teenagers whose parents caught them making out on the porch.  Come on in.”

Mac looked at him, “Did you know we were coming?”

“I assumed you brought him up here since the three of us should go together.  We need to show a united front.”

Will jumped in, “I actually got her.  I wanted to –”

Charlie cut him off, “it doesn’t matter, your both here now.”  The three arrived in Charlie’s office.  Will and Mac sat in their regular seats while Charlie poured each a drink.  “I’m going to do most of the talking.  It should come from me.  You two just have to agree with whatever I say.”  Mac noticed that Charlie looked at the two of them and he looked sad.  She realized that not so long ago he watched Will get as physically close to Mackenzie as he could.  For a short period of time, she felt like Will wanted to protect her again.  He held her hand, he comforted her.  He reminded her of the man she fell in love with.  But she also realized that they hadn’t sat this near in weeks, not since he made his admission, after he said that he can’t forget, or forgive or love her again.  So now, there seems more distance than usual between the chairs. 

The two of them mumbled their agreement.  Charlie then asked, “I think I know the answer to this, but are we sure that this is what we want to do?”

Mac noticed that Will looked at her as he answered, “It’s not what we want to do, Charlie.  It’s the only thing we can do.”

Mac added.  “We fucked up and as long as we’re here, the rest of the team suffers for it.  If we –”

“I know.  We’ve all been through this.  I just want to make sure there’s no second thoughts.”

Again, Mac noticed Will shoot her a meaningful look that she couldn’t interpret.  Finally Will said, “Is she expecting us?”

“I just called her.  She’s on her way.”

Will looked at Mac.  “So, do we have a couple minutes?”

Charlie looked at Will with regret.  “I don’t think so.  She said she’d be here in a minute.  We should head up now.”

Will nodded his head and the three left for the executive dining room.  As they arrived they each took a different spot in the spacious room.  Will could never stand silence.  Mac remembered that he had to keep a tv on to fall asleep because, well, she always assumed that if he didn’t have the TV on, he would have to face his own thoughts and the inside of his brain is a far too complicated place to visit than anyone can comprehend.  Obviously Will had to break the silence.  He couldn’t stand the it anymore.  “Did she seem mad?”

“Hmmm?”  Charlie looked out the window, as if he thought he could see Mrs. Lansing arrive. 

“When you talked to her on the phone?”

Mac didn’t mind the small talk.  She would finally get her way.  She would finally get to do what she has known for months she had to do.  She looked at Will.  She had to give up everything that meant anything to her.  Her job.  Her team.  Him.  It took three years, but she finally knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that she had committed a sin against God.  She wasn’t able to put this back together.  It started when she went to Brian’s hotel while Will went to Nebraska.  Everything that happened after that, she deserved it all.  She looked at Will, wishing for a different ending, but knowing she can’t fix it.  And he would have to live with all the pain she inflicted on him for the rest of his life. 


	12. Election Night Even Pt 2

Two weeks.  Will stood in the elevator next to Mac.  His hand wanted to reach for hers, but his brain reminded him that she hated him.  It seemed fair, he hated himself for the last two weeks.  Ever since he said what he said, he hasn’t felt right.  Nothing has felt right.  She stopped talking to him. She’s said things at work about work things, but that was the executive producer talking to the anchor.  Mackenzie Morgan McHale hasn’t talked to William Duncan McAvoy and he’s felt it deep in his soul. 

She looked at him and the temperature dropped.  She kept a physical distance from him.  He stole a look at her looking straight ahead, on the brink of… something, and he wondered if she felt like this when she came back.  When he… He never believed the people who said he punished her.  At the time he told himself that he would have gone out with all those women.  He may not have brought them to the studio, but he could always justify that it made things easier.  He believed that he bought that damn ring with the intent of self-preservation, not to hurt her.  He had a hard time convincing himself that he only brought Brian into the newsroom because he had such an advantage, but he did.  When he told her his plan and saw her face, he almost couldn’t go through with it.  But he did it because… he doesn’t remember anymore.  He told himself that if she didn’t want him, then maybe she could be happy with her other ex.  Or maybe he just wanted her to see a side by side comparison.  He actually told her that, and he has never lied to her.  But as he looks at her profile now, her eyes apparently studying something on the elevator door, he realizes that he did this to her.  He did this to her just as much as fucking Dantana.  He hurt her as much as fucking Dantana. 

He started to allow his hand to move towards hers, needing to feel their connection.  Needing her to know that even if he can’t be what she wants, he will stand with her.  But the elevator bell dinged and the door opened.  And she walked out and robotically went to Charlie’s office.  When they arrived, Will held the door open for her.  She walked through the outer office, but before she could knock, Will asked, “Mac, can we, can we talk?  Just for a minute?”

He couldn’t read her face, but when she sat down, he took a seat across from her.  He wanted to look her in the eye, and if he got a chance, he wanted to reach out and touch her hand.  “Mac, I just want you to know –”

At that moment, Charlie walked in startling both of them.  Will looked at him, desperately trying to get him to leave.  Either Charlie didn’t get the message or became a jerk because he chuckled a little and said, “You don’t have to look like a couple teenagers whose parents caught them making out on the porch.  Come on in.”

Mac got up first and asked Charlie something while Will tried to pull himself together.  He wanted to talk to her.  He wanted to say something to get things back to normal.  He wanted his best friend back.  It still felt strange to think of her as his best friend, but he couldn’t think of another title that encapsulated everything she meant to him.  And he needed that back.  Somehow, he had to make sure that they talked before their resignations went into effect.  He had about 24 hours to make things right.  God damn it, how did he let this get so out of hand? 

Will heard Charlie say he thought Mac had arranged for them to come in together.  Will realized that he let his mind wander, so he decided to look like he never lost focus of their meeting, “I actually got her.  I wanted to –”

“It doesn’t matter, you’re both here now.”  Will realized he must have sounded like an ass.  He sat down in the chair next to her and watched her shift in her chair slightly so she sat as far from him as she could.  He felt the distance between them and didn’t have any idea how to bridge it.  He started to wonder if he should try.  He’d fucked things up so much, and he didn’t know how to make things right.  He loves her and he wants her, but it’s not enough to exorcise the past.  And he didn’t know how to make it enough.  And maybe that means he doesn’t actually love her.  Love requires commitment and forgiveness and he’s not capable of either.  Even if he knows that she deserves it. 

Once Charlie distributed the drinks he poured and settled into his seat, Charlie started, “I’m going to do most of the talking.  It should come from me.  You two just have to agree with everything I say.”

Will looked at Mac, waiting for a quip about how she doesn’t just fall in line and agree.  But it didn’t come.  He tried to remind himself that she would say something like that to him, not Charlie.  But it still hurt.  He hated seeing her like this.  He hated that he couldn’t protect her from this.  That he let her down in every conceivable way. 

Charlie finished his appraisal of his inner circle and said, “I think I know the answer to this, but are we sure that this is what we want to do?”

Will looked at Mac.  Doing this changes their relationship.  Doing this means not coming into the newsroom every day and bellowing about inconsequential shit to see what she says.  It means never getting talked down to by her when she calls him on his shit.  It means never having her try to elevate him to become what he should be.  Never reaching those heights because he could only be that person with her help.  He spit out his answer, “it’s not what we want to do, Charlie.  It’s the only thing we can do.”

For just a second, he thought he saw her look at him proudly.  Then she looked away again and clarified his point, “We fucked up and as long as we’re here, the rest of the team suffers for it.  If we –”

As Charlie cut off Mac and answered, Will couldn’t help thinking about how three years ago they picked up so easily from where they left off.  God, how is he going to live without that again?  The last time he lost his girlfriend and his lover, it hurt more than anything he could imagine.  This time, he’ll lose his best friend and partner, and it hurts even more.  He didn’t know how it could, but it does. 

Will barely heard Charlie say, “I know.  We’ve all been through this.  I just want to make sure there’s no second thoughts.”

How could he have anything but second thoughts?  Will looked at Mac.  He wanted to see something from her.  He wanted her to show him that she didn’t want this anymore than he did.  But he didn’t see it.  And it hurt.  Later she would explain that by that time she didn’t have an ounce of hope.  She’d already resigned herself to having lost everything that she wanted.  But in that moment, he didn’t see what he wanted to see and he just wanted out of the room.  He wanted to stop watching her hurt.  “Is she expecting us?”

“I just called her, she’s on her way.”

Will looked at Mac, begging her with his eyes to show… something.  Finally, he decided he needed to act.  He needed to talk to her like he tried all night.  “So, do we have a couple minutes?”

Charlie looked at his watch and sadly shook his head.  “I don’t think so.  We should head up now.”

Charlie stood first, followed by Mac and then after considering his options, Will rose to his feet and the three walked to the elevator and then the executive dining room in silence.  Will wondered what thoughts ran through the minds of his best friend and… whatever the fuck that makes Charlie.  He wondered what they thought he thought about.  Then he wondered what he would tell them he thought about if they asked.  And then he thought about what circumstances would make either of them ask something like that.  And as they finally settled into their seats, scattered around the room, Will broke the silence, “Did she seem mad?”  It seemed like a benign question. 

“Hmmmmm?”

“When you talked to her on the phone?”  Will wouldn’t ever remember this exchange.  Like Charlie, his mind was elsewhere.  He stole looks at Mac, wanting to get a few minutes alone with her.  He wanted to clear the air.  He wanted to know that if they walked out of here today and never worked together again, Mac would know that… that… fuck!  He can’t tell her he loves her.  Love requires commitment and he can’t commit to her.  Not when he still expects, he still remembers that horrible day.  But in every other way…  He has to let her know that she is his best friend and he will miss her desperately.  He needs to let her know that he fought to keep them together, not just the team, but them.  She needs to hear that, to know it. 

When Leona arrived spouting nonsense about Daniel Craig and an ill-timed hurricane, Charlie voiced what they all thought, “Leona, are you stoned?”  Will tried to stay calm and rational while Leona declared her love for him, ACN and whatever the fuck else.  When he could break in, he explained that Jerry would win in court because they committed an institutional failure.  And then as if to create a cliffhanger, Rebecca arrived and told Leona not to accept their resignations and Charlie put his foot down and said the truth that Will knew hurt Mac most, they lost the trust of the people.  And Leona insisted they win it back, as if they could simply snap their fingers and have the trust of the people again.  When Leona made it clear that she would not accept their resignations and sashayed out of the room, Will, Charlie and Mac continued sitting in their chairs. 

“She can’t make me come back.  I resigned effective after the election.”

Will looked between Mac and Charlie.  “Mac, you have to come back.  We’ll figure this out, just give it time.”

Mac looked at Will and he saw pure hatred in her face.  “You told me that two weeks ago.  And you said it before.  Just give you time.  Just trust you.  Do you even know how to keep a promise anymore?”

Before Will could answer, he heard Charlie jump in.  “Mac!  You can’t just stop coming to work.”

“Oh yes I can.”

“No, you can’t.  Not if you ever want to work again.  And I know that you will, even if you don’t think you’ll ever have a better… arrangement.. than this!”

Will watched carefully as Mac’s face softened while Charlie spoke.  Finally, Will said, “Charlie, can I have a minute alone with Mac?”

Charlie looked at the two of them and then nodded his head before leaving.  Will took a seat across a table from Mac.  This was his moment.  His last chance to make things right.  Or maybe less wrong.  He looked at her and only saw her hurt, the hurt he put her through, the hurt from knowing she had to sever her ties from everything she loves.  Loves.  Committed to.  Love requires commitment, and he has never seen a person more committed to anything than Mac is to this job.  And this staff.  And her ideals.  Mac and her love and commitment make this place everything that it is.  And it’s everything he’s ever wanted, except he doesn’t know how to have this woman with this past.

“I know I’ve let you down and I don’t know what to do about it, Mac.”

“There is nothing you can do, Will.  Other than letting me go.”

Will shook his head.  He can’t do that.  And he knows that it’s not fair to her, but he can’t.  “If Leona won’t –”

“This isn’t about fucking Leona, Will!”

“Good, because I have no intention of fucking Leona!”  He looked quickly at her to see if she caught his joke.  When he could see her refusal to acknowledge it, he added, “And I doubt that you intend to either.”  He could tell that she started cooling down, so he carefully said, “Mac, you don’t deserve any of this.  You don’t deserve this fallout from Jerry’s dishonesty.  Or anything I’ve done to you.  You don’t deserve it, and I’m sorry I keep putting you through it.  I want –”

Will stopped, unsure what to say next.  He looked at her and almost said “a future with you.”  But before he could say it, she asked, “what?  You want what, Will?”

He thought for a second.  As it turns out, he thought too long.  “I want you to stop hurting.  I want to stop hurting you, and I don’t think I know how.  Because I need you.”

Mac set her face again.  “And that’s all you can give me.  You need me like a business partner.  A co-worker who can provide the things you need for a big report.”

“No, that’s not it and you know it.  What do you want me to say?”

Mac looked at him and didn’t answer.  She looked down at her feet and when she looked up again she looked different, resigned.  Finally she said, “what’s your plan?  For tomorrow.”

He disappointed her again, and he hated it.  But he knew that if he broached what he knew she wanted, it would start them in a direction that he didn’t trust them to finish.  “I’ll go to the ACN legal tomorrow and demand that they accept our resignations.  There’s some legal maneuvers that I can try.  I would explain them, but they will only make your eyes roll back in your head.”

He expected her to accuse him of patronizing her, instead she said, “And if it doesn’t work?”

She just wants to leave.  She has no fight in her.  Maybe it’s his fault, at least in part, but it’s still draining.  “I don’t know, Mac.  We’ll figure it out.  Just be here tomorrow.”  He looked at her, or the shell of her that’s left.  Work and personal got tangled up somewhere along the way.  Trying to find the balance between the two, he should have known it would blow up in his face.  He loves the version of her that has life, that would never give up on a fight, that goes to the mat for him and his soul on a daily basis.  Love means commitment.  He can’t fight for this… partnership?  Friendship?  Non-romantic relationship?  He doesn’t know.  Whatever it is, when this started, he fought for it and thought he could fight for it with his dying breath.  Right now, he’s as exhausted as her.  Maybe that’s what they need.  Both of them just need to get about 3 weeks of uninterrupted slumber and then they can find a way to figure out what’s important and how to fight for it. 

“And, Mac, try to get some sleep.  Tomorrow’s a big day.”

Mac looked like she could punch him as she turned and walked away. 

Will watched her walk out.  “Fucking, moronic, coward,” he said to himself.  He can’t let her leave.  He can’t let her go again. 


End file.
